


Overture

by Mareel



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Busking, Canada, Developing Relationship, English Bay, F/M, Family, Friendship, Jump Zero, M/M, Memories, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Music, Musicians, Pre-Canon, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Soul-Searching, Vancouver
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-25
Updated: 2018-10-18
Packaged: 2019-01-22 16:31:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 23,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12485960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mareel/pseuds/Mareel
Summary: At the beginning of their adult lives, John Shepard and Kaidan Alenko cross paths in Vancouver...





	1. The Busker

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place in Vancouver, not long after John Shepard enlisted in the Alliance and completed basic training. Kaidan is twenty years old and struggling to find himself after his experience at Jump Zero. From a musical family, he was a talented violinist prior to being sent to Gagarin Station. 
> 
> As a pre-canon AU, the characters are not those of my other stories, but have much in common with them, including family relationships. 
> 
> With so many thanks to [bagog](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bagog/pseuds/bagog) who brainstormed with me when I this story first began to tug at my mind and heart. I've incorporated quite a few of the details, visual and musical, that he contributed to the discussion - including some of the key musical selections. 
> 
> This was intended for the ME Big Bang 2017, but I had to withdraw from that for personal reasons. I knew it needed and deserved art to accompany it, and I am so thrilled to present the beautiful art by Mr Gamblin Man that accompanies Chapter 1. It is still a WIP and chatpers wil past as they're ready. 
> 
> This story is dedicated to John, the first chapter posted on his birthday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See the End Notes for each chapter for links to some of Kaidan's music.

 

The music drew me. 

It was probably the last thing I expected to encounter on the busy streets of Vancouver on a chilly October afternoon. Not the blare of pop songs from the omni-tools of bored teenagers. That was everywhere - even on the space stations where he’d lived a lot of his life. No, this was something different - the sound of a solo violin, a simple haunting melody that seems to soar above the ambient sounds of the city. 

Following the sound to its source, I find the lone musician near the edge of a pocket park not far from English Bay. Bundled up against the chill in a long grey-blue overcoat, a black scarf flutters almost to his knees. It’s cold enough that his breath lingers in the air, and his dark grey version of the ubiquitous Canadian toque is pulled low over his forehead, stopping just above startlingly thick dark eyebrows. 

He’s about my height, but the sweep of his bow arm creates the appearance of a larger presence. As he shifts into a fast-tempo classical piece that I don’t recognize, his fingers fly up and down a fingerboard that seems too small to contain them. I pull my own jacket closed and zip it up to my neck. Canadians… I guess they must consider this a mild fall day… 

He’s an intense, but not a particularly interactive performer. His audience today is sparse and he doesn’t engage them with banter or even by identifying the various pieces he’s playing. When someone drops a tip into his open instrument case, he acknowledges the gift with a quiet thank you that doesn’t break the flow of the music.

Leaning back against a tall maple that is still holding onto most of its scarlet leaves, I listen for a while, not too close, but near enough to watch his face as he plays. His eyes are often closed, like he’s playing in his own world. But occasionally we do make brief eye contact. His eyes are striking… a warm golden brown. 

I should go. I’d like to have stayed longer, but hadn’t realized how late it’s getting. I need to get back to base in time for a late afternoon class and PT session. And I guess lingering too long might come across as creepy or something. I don’t really know the etiquette for these kinds of performances. 

As I’m dropping a few credits into his open violin case, I glance around to see if he has any cards or promo. Nothing. I murmur ‘thank you’ and am rewarded with a nod and a small smile as he doesn‘t miss a beat in the fast Irish tune that he’s performing. 

I know I’ll be back. I need to see that smile again.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The music of _Overture_ \- Chapter 1
> 
> [Jay Ungar - Ashoken Farewell](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w6p8WE6ZemY&index=1&list=PLf4I0D9yEyOb2S-aDAF8Y8A4xHUiKa0dB)
> 
>    
> [Paganini - Caprice 24](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gpnIrE7_1YA&list=PLf4I0D9yEyOb2S-aDAF8Y8A4xHUiKa0dB&index=2)
> 
>    
> [The Beatles - Yesterday](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G7-PbJM12fU&list=PLf4I0D9yEyOb2S-aDAF8Y8A4xHUiKa0dB&index=3)
> 
>   [St Anne's Reel](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lwllcWC_FL4&index=4&list=PLf4I0D9yEyOb2S-aDAF8Y8A4xHUiKa0dB)


	2. Call of the Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Five years earlier... Kaidan had a decision to make that would affect the rest of his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Five years before Kaidan met Shepard, this takes place at the Alenko family orchard in British Columbia. Born into a family of musicians, his own future clearly lay in that direction as well. But there was always something that called to him when he looked up at the night sky...
> 
> This next chapter posted in honor of N7 day.

 

_Five Years Earlier_

Something was wrong. 

I knew it right away, when I got home from school that afternoon. There was a black official-looking aircar in the driveway, maybe a hundred yards from the house. I didn’t recognize the logo stenciled on the side, but it wasn’t Systems Alliance. So it probably didn’t have to do with Dad being in the Reserves. 

Inside the house, two men were talking to my parents. They were dressed in dark suits that looked more like uniforms and had that same logo on the sleeves that I’d seen on the vehicle. These people were _not_ guests. Mom would never keep guests standing in the foyer – she’d invite them in to have a cup of tea. 

Dad glanced toward the strangers, almost suspiciously, before greeting me with a look that said _be careful_. “Kaidan, these gentlemen are from a company called Conatix. The company has been placed in charge of providing training to anyone who has shown signs of biotic ability… as you have. I told them they’d have to discuss it with you and… “

One of the strangers interrupted my father to say, “There’s nothing to be discussed. He is required to come with us, for his own safety and the safety of those around him. You’re in danger here from an untrained biotic, as I’ve tried to explain to you.”

My father was usually a pretty calm person, but it looked like he was trying hard to contain his anger at the idea of his own son being a danger to him. His voice was tight. “So you say.”

“We can get a warrant if it comes to that. It would be better for everyone if he just comes with us willingly.”

“Wait… go _where_ with you? And why?”

They spoke to me for the first time. “There is a program called Biotic Acclimation and Temperance Training. You, and other children like you, will learn to use and control the manifestations of biotic power that you’ve been shown to have. Think of it as a boarding school. It’s at Gagarin Station.”

“Jump Zero? That’s on the edge of the solar system. Next stop… space, right?”

“Kaidan…” Mom interrupted me. “We can fight this in court. They have no right…”

“That has been attempted, Mrs. Alenko. And the courts have refused to interfere.”

They seemed accustomed to getting what they came for. I knew I didn’t want to put my family through a lot of legal stuff that would probably cost a fortune, so I made up my mind.

“It’s okay. I’ll go. It can’t be for that long and then I’ll be back, Mom. Let me just pack a few things.”

The other man, silent until now, finally spoke up. “That’s a wise choice. And no need to pack. Everything you need will be provided for you – clothing, toiletries, everything.”

“What about his migraine medications? I know he’ll need those. Nothing else helps when it gets so bad...” Mom’s normally rock-steady hands were fluttering nervously until she caught herself and clasped them together. 

“Not necessary. Conatix has a highly qualified medical team with specialists in managing the side effects of biotic manifestation.”

“Oh… at least let me get my violin.” I looked at Mom and added, “My student model, not the new one. Don’t want to risk damaging that one, you know?”

The man shook his head. “No. You won’t need that. No personal effects. This isn’t summer camp.”

That nearly made me change my mind. It was hard to imagine even a day going by without my music… Without practicing, I’d lose so much of the technique I’d been working so hard to master. But that’s only part of it. Conservatory would still be there when I got back, but the _music_ … that’s _me_. It’s how I expressed myself, how I distracted pain. To be without that… I don’t know. 

Glancing between Mom and Dad again, I knew this couldn’t be just about me. I took a deep breath and found the resolve again. I’d just have to find other ways to cope. And hope I wouldn’t be away too long.

Dad looked at me, searching my eyes for a long time before finally nodding. “Sounds more like boot camp than boarding school. I don’t like it, Kaidan, but I won’t stand in the way of you maybe getting some help managing the migraines and all. But it doesn’t sound right, not being able to keep up your music…” He paused, taking a deep breath. “But don’t worry about your violin. It will be here waiting for you when you get back.” 

“Yeah, I know... I don’t know. I’ll manage, I guess.” I hoped I’d sounded more confident than I felt. 

Dad reached out to shake my hand, but changed his mind and hugged me instead. “I know you will, Kaidan. You’re strong. Just remember that your home is here, and always know that I’m proud of you, son.” His arms fell back down to his sides, releasing me. “Try to stay in touch so your mother won’t worry too much.” 

Mom didn’t even try to hide her tears, but she held her head high. “I’ll miss you so much. Be sure to eat enough, little one.” 

She took a few small steps to close the distance between us, wrapping her arms around me, holding me close. I was taller than when she used to do that, when I was little and afraid. I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and awkwardly hugged her tight before pulling away. 

“I’ll be okay. You know I’ve always wanted to travel to the stars.”

 


	3. Elegy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finding a measure of peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In Vancouver, at approximately the same time that Kaidan meets Shepard, he is still searching for a way to come to terms with his experiences at Jump Zero. 
> 
> I owe so much to discussions with Bagog about some of the music that Kaidan plays. See the End Notes for links to the music.

 

Earth… Vancouver… the orchard… 

I should have felt like I was home when they shipped me back to Earth from Jump Zero. 

In disgrace. A murderer. Someone who terrified people who had been my friends. 

My parents welcomed me… believed me. Believed _in_ me. More than I did, that’s for sure. But they couldn’t really understand it all. And couldn’t understand _me_. I don’t know. Hell, _I_ had no clue about understanding me. 

I moved out, made some bad choices and some less bad choices. And one good choice – to go back to music… on my own terms. Not in Conservatory, not anything formal. Just finding my way back into it. Tucking my violin under my chin for the first time gave me the only glimpse of _home_ that I'd felt since entering Earth orbit. 

Busking helped. Not just the tips, but getting out of bed every day, sober enough to play Paganini to passersby. But not _for_ them. For me. 

Music became a way to process everything that had happened. I began to associate certain pieces with aspects of life at Jump Zero. Like a theme for Rahna. The sweet second movement of the Bruch _Concerto #1_ seemed to capture her gentle spirit and focussed on what might have been between us, but never was. I played that a lot when I was lonely… when just remembering her smile and our friendship meant more than than the prospect of a club hook-up. 

There were other pieces… but coming to terms with everything that had happened there was hard, even utilizing my whole musical vocabulary. Until now. 

I don’t recognize this music. 

I’m drawing tones and phrases from my violin without any conscious thought as to what my fingers and bow are doing. It’s like there’s something inside – inside the instrument or inside _me_ – that needs to break free. 

It began as the solemn Stravinsky _Elegy_ , but it morphed into something much more personal. It isn’t pretty – it sounds like pain. Abandoning the mute I usually use for the _Elegy_ , the harsh dissonance threatens to overwhelm a stubborn thread of melody that won’t be extinguished. 

But somehow it finally resolves… fades away into silence. 

I’m left with tears in my eyes. And I feel more at peace than I have since his death. Goddamn Vrynnus… I hated him for what he did to Rahna… for what he did to me. For what I had become because of him. But I didn’t wish him dead, especially not by my hand. Or my biotics. 

Maybe now I can let him go.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Music of _Overture_ \- Chapter 3
> 
>  [Bruch - Violin Concerto No. 1, Op. 26 - Second Movement](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lFDbIUKWTqo&index=5&list=PLf4I0D9yEyOb2S-aDAF8Y8A4xHUiKa0dB)
> 
>  [Stravinsky - Elegy for Solo Violin](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aawYrDmi0BU&index=6&list=PLf4I0D9yEyOb2S-aDAF8Y8A4xHUiKa0dB)


	4. Encore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The sun is shining and Shepard is back for more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In Vancouver, John has once again sought out the young violinist he first heard busking a few days earlier.

 

He catches me watching him. 

More than once, his eyes meet mine for a few moments before I look away. I don’t want to intrude. He seems so engrossed in the music he’s playing. 

I passed another street performance on the way here today - I guess maybe the sunny weather brought people out. There were a couple of older guys playing bluegrass on guitar and banjo. Sounded pretty good, and they were laughing and chatting up the audience. I might have stayed to listen if I hadn’t been determined to find the dark-haired violinist again. 

I’d found him twice now, in the same spot. So I tried there… at least he’s consistent. Or that’s the best damn busking spot in the city. Approaching the park, I’m amazed again by all the color in the trees. I’ve never seen that aspect of the changing seasons before. Hell, I’ve never seen this many trees in one place before landing in Vancouver. I stoop to pick up a particularly vivid red maple leaf and carry it with me as I catch the faint sound of a violin and move toward it.

The weather is so much nicer today. Yesterday it was cold and threatening rain all day. I almost decided not to take my daily walk around the city, but I’d been curious to see if the busker would let the weather silence him. Nope… he was there. Between drizzles, he had pulled his violin from its case, tugged his toque lower to cover his ears, and adjusted his scarf so that it didn’t interfere with his chinrest. Then he played as if this was all perfectly normal. His cheeks were nearly as red as the maples, and sometimes he would stop between songs and stick first one hand and then the other into his coat pockets to warm them. 

Today, in the warm sunlight, he's still wearing the coat, but has ditched the toque. His hair is a mass of wild dark curls framing his face, a few strands falling over his forehead – the kind of hair you want to run your fingers through… 

He’s playing a wide variety of music today, mixing movie themes and Irish dance tunes between classical pieces, the moods ranging from exuberant to something that feels almost wistful. We make eye contact more often today. Sometimes it’s like neither of us wants to break the gaze. One of us finally does it – either his eyes close as he leans into the music, or I glance down at the maple leaf I’m still holding, studying its veins and noticing that the color shading that is much more subtle than just ‘red.’ 

I have an excuse for watching him – he’s performing. What’s his reason for watching me? I’ve noticed that he doesn’t tend to seek a lot of audience contact in general, preferring to be alone in his music. He seems to be breaking his own pattern with our non-verbal communication. The possibilities warm me and I give in to a few moments of fantasy about smokey brown eyes and full lips, skillful fingertips and strong thighs… 

When it’s time to go, I again drop some credits into his violin case. More of a tip than before. Maybe enough for him to get a good meal. I hope so... He looks a little too thin. But damn, what it does for his cheekbones. And there’s nothing skinny about that ass… 

I look up to meet his eyes once more as i murmur my thanks. He smiles and replies, “My pleasure. Thank you!” His voice is soft and burnished and seems to suit the man I’ve been watching in silence. The images stay with me as I walk away, the red leaf still in my hand. 

I don’t usually collect things.. But I somehow want to keep that leaf.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Music of Overture - Chapter 4
> 
> [J.S. Bach – Air on the G String](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x1ByRGNIpFA&list=PLf4I0D9yEyObkvKuisuVCJ0pLF6nt86q0&index=26)
> 
> [Shetland tread. = Willafjord](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mlRKthg3_6E&index=11&list=PLf4I0D9yEyObkvKuisuVCJ0pLF6nt86q0)
> 
> [Theme from Schlindler's List](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MWrt0m-cOkU)
> 
> [Thomas Moore - The Minstrel Boy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SPbrsC6rOFQ)


	5. The Listener

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Is he flirting with me?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On a sunny afternoon in Vancouver, the young Alliance soldier is back again and Kaidan tries to figure out what draws him back again and again. This is Kaidan's view of the scene Shepard described in Chapter 4.

 

He’s still there. 

The young soldier, half-hidden from sight by the violin resting on my shoulder, has stayed through at least three pieces. This is a fairly busy corner today, and most people don’t pause to listen to even one. If they stop to listen near the end of one tune, they might linger for the beginning of the next before maybe dropping some change into my instrument case and going about their business. 

I probably don’t make it easy for them. But I’ve been doing this for so long now that it feels like it’s more for me than for an audience anyway. Sometimes I’ll be in a mood to play some short, familiar pop songs, but I’m more likely to dip into the classical repertoire or even some old Irish slow airs. Once I noticed that the man in the Systems Alliance uniform was lingering, I deliberately switched between genres… a bit of Bach, a Shetland reel… and now an old classic Beatles tune, _Hey, Jude_. 

This isn’t the first time I’ve seen him. I’m pretty sure he was here yesterday, too, staying to listen awhile despite the chilly weather. He’s leaning against one of the maple trees on the edge of the pocket park where I’ve set up. This is one of my favorite busking spots on sunny days like this… the autumn light makes the leaves almost glow with color. They’ll be gone with the next storm, probably, but pretty damn beautiful right now. I missed this, out on the edge of black space at Jump Zero. 

It’s getting late in the season for tourists, and once lunch hour is over, most of the locals have to get back to work. Which leaves the young soldier. He has noticed me looking in his direction more than once, and this last time our eyes caught and lingered a little longer than is usual between strangers. It takes me halfway through my next piece to realize that what I’d seen in those strikingly blue eyes appeared to be interest… undisguised and unabashed, accompanied by the slightest quirk of a smile. Is he flirting with me?

That possibility warms me in a way I haven’t felt much lately. I haven’t been dating anyone. A few possible hook-ups at the local clubs have all gone wrong before they started. Maybe I’m just too choosey. Or maybe what I really want is someone to see more in me than a quick fuck. And I’m realist enough to know how unlikely that is with a club hook-up. 

The last person I felt anything for was Rahna, and we never really got together before… before everything fell apart. She didn't quite understand how much my music meant to me, but she was a talented artist - always sketching the other students and the everyday life around us. She seemed particularly fascinated by the aliens, continually trying to get Turian anatomy to look right. I envied her in a way, that she could find materials to continue making her art. I'm not sure that I was in love with her, but I found her attractive and enjoyed being around her. Maybe it could have grown into more, I don’t know. But that’s over, and no one has taken her place yet. 

Until maybe now. Maybe. I don’t know…

__________________________________________

 

My violin still on my shoulder, I watch him walk away… his uniform fatigues clinging… or at least accentuating his body in a good way. I’m still feeling warm inside from some of the looks we’d exchanged, but I wait until the man disappears from sight before checking my fiddle case for the tip. There… a scrap of paper wrapped around some credit chits.

_Thank you so much for your music. You brightened my day._

And a phone number. It was signed _John Shepard._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Music of _Overture_ \- Chapter 5 (also see the music listing for Chapter 4)
> 
> [J.S. Bach – Arioso](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lic9Z6yCbRU%22%22)
> 
>  [Lennon /McCartney – Hey Jude](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rAL4WzoNnyc&list=PLf4I0D9yEyObkvKuisuVCJ0pLF6nt86q0&index=15)
> 
>  [Irish trad. – Soldier's Joy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uDnLX86w33U)


	6. Choices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Should I call him?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On a rainy day in Vancouver, Kaidan indulges in a small breakfast splurge using the tip left him by the young soldier, John Shepard, as he weighs the pros and cons of contacting the man.

Should I call him? 

I tried to focus on the music as I kept busking after the young soldier – after _John_ – left his written message for me yesterday. He had made me very happy with that little confirmation of interest, and i hope that happiness shone through in the music. But something was starting to feel missing… suddenly, playing for myself just felt lonely.

On the one hand, I’m so glad that the silent exchanges between us weren’t only in my imagination. I really do want to get to know him, but a phone number is just so fraught with possible interpretations. I don’t know. I’m probably overthinking it. But he doesn’t even know my name... How would I introduce myself on a call? The busker in the park? Or worse, what if I needed to leave a message? 

I can’t help but remember my unsuccessful attempts to connect with people I’ve felt some attraction to in clubs. The few that led to anything at all just left me feeling hollow and somehow used. I don’t want that to happen with the with the young soldier – with John Shepard. Somehow he already means more to me than any of those anonymous encounters.

In the end, I decide against calling. But I can hope we’ll meet again and maybe get a chance to talk more to each other then.

I did choose to take a day off from busking and let his generous tip treat me to some really good coffee and a freshly baked scone at a fancy coffee shop near the park where I met him. I’ve always wanted to try this place. And it really does live up to the great reviews I’ve read about it. 

Embarrassed to admit how out of place I feel in these surroundings, I ask the barista for some recommendations. He’s young and well-dressed… and he seems to have an encyclopedic knowledge of coffee. Which he’s happy to share with someone like me who expresses an interest. After answering a few questions about what kinds of coffee I’ve tasted in the past, I’ve run out of synonyms for cheap, but I emphasize that I’m treating myself today. 

"I think maybe I've seen you around the neighborhood. Didn't recognize you without your fiddle."

I'm surprised that anyone would recognize me, with or without the fiddle, and just murmmer something about how yes, it's a great place to busk. 

"Well, thank you - I hope you'll keep coming back to play there. You're good for business."

I"d beea little afraid he was going to ask me to find another busking spot, so the encouragement makes me smile.

He thought I’d like a single-origin filter coffee, and named a few sources that were particularly good at this time of the year. So now I’m stirring half-and-half and agave into a porcelain cup of Indonesian-grown coffee that smells even better than the general ‘coffee’ aroma that always made me linger when I walked by this shop. Earthy, nutty, vaguely spicy… I never had agave before – it reminds me a bit of the honey Mom uses in her tea, but kind of more subtle. 

Mmmm… the rich, smooth taste is amazing, lingering in my mouth even after I swallow it. I could get used to this. Biting into the warm scone, I wonder if John Shepard is a coffee drinker, too. Maybe we could come back here together sometime if we ever actually meet up again. 

From my small table by the window, I can do some people-watching while I sip the coffee, making it last as long as I can. After the beautiful day yesterday, the weather has changed again and it’s blustery today. Intermittent rain and a steady chill wind have taken their toll on the autumn colors already. Glad I decided not to risk the fiddle to the elements. Even the cheap one isn’t something I want to take that chance on. Those instruments are my livelihood. If the weather breaks, I can always go home and pick it up if I decide to busk today after all. It does feel odd not to be doing _something_ … beyond enjoying the best coffee I’ve ever tasted. 

Surprisingly, the weather hasn’t really reduced the foot traffic in this area. A lot of the regulars work around here… and i do think I saw the soldier - _John_ \- pass by the coffee shop and walk toward the park, maybe heading for his usual listening spot there by the big maple. As I continue to watch the passersby, I see him leave and then return maybe ten minutes later. He checks the time on an orange omni-tool that appears on his wrist. 

I don’t want to disappoint him if he is looking for me, so I pay my tab and thank the barista, hoping I’ll have a chance to return sometime. It doesn’t take long to find John Shepard near my busking spot. The man’s whole face seems to brighten with a smile I’ve never seen from him before, and there’s a light in those blue eyes.

“Hey, there you are! I was afraid you weren’t going to be here today. Weather and all.” A few drops are starting to sputter down as he mentions it. 

“Yeah. Bad for the instrument…” I was going to introduce myself, but he’s wanting to explain why he’s here, so it will have to wait.

“I have the afternoon free today, and I hate to waste it. Can I buy you a drink? And maybe the weather will clear and you can play a bit then?” 

A little surprised at his directness, I shake my head. “I don’t want to accept the beer under false pretenses. I didn’t plan to busk today. Weather.” 

John looks disappointed, and I have an idea, surprising myself with my own forwardness. “I don’t have my fiddle here with me. But if you want me to… maybe I could play a bit for you at my apartment. It’s not in the best neighborhood, but isn’t too far to walk. We might just get a little wet if the rain keeps up.”

John nods, rubbing absently at the back of his neck, his smile returning. “Sounds like a good plan. Let’s get that beer first, though. And maybe a burger. I’m starving.” 

I’m not going to say no to that. But first things first. “I realize I’ve never introduced myself. I’m Kaidan Alenko. I also want to thank you for…”

He reaches for my hand before I’ve even finished thanking him. Strong, firm grip… warm hand. “John Shepard… I’m so glad to finally have a name to attach to the face… And to the only musician I’d wander around Vancouver in the rain for, just on the off-chance of hearing him.”

As our hands drop and he talks about deliberately seeking me out, I can feel a little warmth in my face. “Oh, there are a lot of good street performers who work this area.”

He nods, but I don’t miss the quick flicker of his eyes as his gaze takes in more than my face before returning to meet mine. Makes me glad I wore my good jeans. “Yeah, I’m sure there are. I was here earlier today… there was a girl playing a guitar, singing. She was okay, but nothing I was interested in staying around to hear.”

“Long hair, kind of reddish?”

“Yeah. You know her?”

“Yes, that’s Claudia. She and I seem to like the same busking spots. She usually draws a pretty good crowd.”

He shakes his head, offering still another smile. “So do you. Don’t underestimate yourself. I really enjoy your music.” His blue eyes meet mine again and he adds, “And watching you playing it.”

I’m feeling the same warmth I felt when our eyes kept meeting during my last performance. I’m glad to know that this attraction seems to be mutual. But I don’t know what to say to that. 

No need, he’s already making plans. “I think I saw a little place for that beer, if you’d like to head over there with me, Kaidan.”

“Sounds good to me.”

More than the plan sounds good to me. I’m surprised at how much I liked hearing my name in his voice. Other than my parents, no one has used it in a long time. 

And I like the way he says it.


	7. Of Stars and Space and Seisúns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sharing beer and burgers and backgrounds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place at Mahony's, an Irish pub in Vancouver. 
> 
> Many thanks to all the people I've been honored to improptu traditional music with over the years.

 

“So you grew up in space? On ships and such? Or on a colony?”

We’re on our second round of drinks… Guinness for him, but I’m sticking with a Canadian lager despite the Irish traditions of Mahony’s. This place is the latest incarnation of an old Vancouver Irish pub, very comfortable. The conversation is going down as easy as the lager. John Shepard is not only easy to talk to, but also a pretty damn good listener. 

“On ships and stations. Never lived on a planet. Visited a colony or two when my parents had shore leave, but didn’t stay long.”

“Your parents are Alliance?“ 

“Yeah. My mom is a Lt. Commander in the Alliance Navy. Out there somewhere. My dad… was a Commander… “

I don’t miss the past tense. “Was? Did something happen?” I don’t know how to ask that politely, but I’m sure it's important. 

“You could say that. Batarians ambushed his ship – the _Culloden_. Bastards even shot at the escape pods… I doubt he was in one though. He would have tried to save the ship.”

I’m even more at a loss for words now, and feel like I’m falling back on platitudes. “I’m so sorry, John. I can’t imagine that kind of loss. How old were you?”

He turns the empty beer bottle in his hands, appearing to study the label, but not very convincingly. “Thanks. A few years ago now. I was fourteen.”

He doesn’t look like he’s even twenty yet. Younger than me, for sure. 

“I enlisted when I turned eighteen. My mom wanted me to finish the school year, but I needed to get out there and _do_ something, you know?” He huffs a small laugh, picking at the label on the bottle now. “Wouldn’t you know, the first thing the Navy wanted me to do after basic training was get an equivalency diploma and some college courses… said they thought I might be officer material and I’d need that on my record. So here I am, not exactly out there doing anything yet.”

“You must have impressed them in basic.” 

He shrugs, rubbing the back of his neck. “I dunno. I guess I did okay. I’m a good shot and I’m in better shape than a lot of the recruits. After losing Dad, I spent more time working out than playing video games.”

“Sounds like you spent some of that time on the target range, too. My dad taught me to shoot as a kid, but it was more like a way to defend yourself while out camping in bear country. Never had to shoot anything, though.”

John laughs at the story about bear country. He’s probably never gone camping in the woods. At least not for fun. 

“I heard a rumor that a friend of my father’s might have put in a good word for me with the Alliance, but I don’t know who that would be… or why. I guess one of the recruitment officers had heard about the loss of the _Culloden_ … asked if by any chance I was related to Commander Liam Shepard.” 

“That could be a good thing… or just something you feel like you need to live up to… My dad was Alliance Navy, too. But he retired from active duty after I was born. He’s in the reserves now.”

“Did he ever want you to follow him into the Navy? My mom tried talking me out of it when I told her what I was going to do. No chance of her succeeding at that… and I’m sure she knew it.”

I shake my head and take another swig of beer. ”No, Dad's been a musician ever since… plays the french horn in the Vancouver Opera orchestra. Mom is a cellist with the symphony. If there’s ever been any pressure toward a career, it would be that they both hoped I’d continue my music study.”

Another sip and the bottle is empty. “I love music, don’t get me wrong. But the stars… there’s something about stars and space… it’s never far from my mind. I don’t know. Right now, I’m kind of in-between gigs, if you will. Trying to figure things out.”

He notices me toying with my empty bottle and signals for another round. I feel guilty drinking up his credits, but when I offer to pay for the round with some of my busking money, he waves it away. “Keep that… you earned it. I’m getting paid to go to classes these days, and I don‘t have much to spend it on.” 

Nodding, I try to digest the meaning of his last comment. Vancouver is a pretty cosmopolitan city. There's plenty to spend credits on in terms of recreational activities. Sounds like he's just not very interested in the local social scene. Although he did discover Mahony's...

"They have live music here on Friday nights. You might want to stop by... if you like Irish music."

Shepard nods, meeting my eyes with a smile. "You ever play here, Kaidan?" 

I laugh, shaking my head. "They get _real_ Irish fiddlers in the seisúns here. I love the music and really like playing it, but don't pretend that I'm very authentic."

"Tell you what... let's come back here together some Friday night. And you bring your fiddle. Maybe they'll ask you to sit in for a set. You might fit in better than you think."

I'm a little surprised by how he seems to know about music seisúns... makes me more curious that ever about his background.

“Can I ask you a question, John? If it’s too personal, just tell me it’s none of my business. I won’t be offended.” I take his small nod for assent. “You said your mother shouldn’t have been surprised that you enlisted as soon as you could. Sounds like you had a plan.”

“Yeah. I always knew it’s what I wanted to do… but all the stuff that happened just pushed up the timetable a little. One of my friends from school was dead set on moving to a colony… wanted me to come with him. Not a chance. I can’t imagine living dirtside. Depending on other people to protect your colony… I’d rather be doing the protecting, you know? My friend wants me to visit sometime, out on Elysium. Probably hopes I might change my mind. I might visit on a shore leave if I’m ever out that way. But no way I’d stay.”

When the waiter dropped off our next round of drinks, John looked at me almost appraisingly. “You hungry, Kaidan? I could use some burgers with this beer.”

Maybe it wasn’t an appraising look so much as hearing my stomach growling a bit. No sense denying it. “Yeah, that sounds pretty good to me, too. No mayo. Fries might be good though…”

“Sure thing. I know you seem to busk through lunch time.”

“Best time for an audience. Especially now that the tourists are gone for the season. People come down to that little park to eat their lunch, or walk past on their way to a coffee shop before going back to work in all those office towers.”

“You make enough to live on doing that?”

“Almost. Mostly. I don’t have a lot of expenses. And there are a few regulars who always leave a pretty nice tip. Usually enough for a lunch or the groceries to make dinner.”

“You cook?” 

I laugh at the surprise in his voice. “Yeah. Seems like a pretty useful skill sometimes.”

“I’m impressed. My mom wasn’t much of a cook. Even on the stations, mostly what was available were rations. An occasional shipment of supplies from Earth. Christmas cookies in July - that sort of thing.”

“My folks have an orchard in the BC interior. They spend most of the summer and fall there, then come into Vancouver for concert season. Harvest isn't quite over, so they’re still out there these days”

“So do you stay at their apartment here?”

I shake my head, delaying a reply while I bite into the cheeseburger. It’s juicy and perfectly cooked. With bacon… it’s been awhile since I splurged on bacon. “Not often. I kind of need to be out on my own, you know? I have a cheap flat over a restaurant… little Italian place. Not the best neighborhood, but they said they didn’t mind my music practice. Not many landlords want a fiddle player practicing at all hours”

A silence falls between us as we both dig into the food. Better than I can usually afford, for sure. Tastes like real beef in the burger. But the easy ebb and flow of the conversation between us – that's the real thing, too.

And that means more to me than any sandwich.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Music of _Overture_ – Chapter 7
> 
> [Traditional Irish Music Seisún at the Shillelagh Club](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2GqpIf_SHgE)


	8. Repertoire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan plays for Shepard, but his musical choices reveal more of himself than he intended to show.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On a rainy afternoon in Vancouver, Kaidan plays some music for Shepard as they get to know one another. 
> 
> I owe so many thanks to Bagog for the discussions that led to Kaidan's musical choices relating to his past experiences. 
> 
> Even if you're not generally listening to the musical selections referenced in endnotes, I urge you to listen to last piece listed there for this chapter.

 

It finally stopped raining. 

We take advantage of a brief sunbreak to walk the kilometer or so from Mahony’s to my flat above the Italian restaurant. Of course, just as the the brightly painted sign proclaiming 'Il Pomodoro Secco' came into view, the sun was history and the rainclouds settled in for a long wet afternoon. We ran the last few hundred meters, but didn’t dodge many raindrops. 

Gesturing for John to make himself comfortable on the couch, I rummage the linen closet for a towel to dry my hair a little before it can drip all over my fiddle. I catch the flash of a smile as he watches my little ritual. “Need any help with that?” 

His offer takes me by surprise and I duck my face under the towel for a moment to cover the warmth I’m sure is showing in my cheeks. “I guess you don’t have to worry about hair-drying, eh Shepard?”

John rubs a hand a little self-consciously over his tightly buzzed hair, shaking his head. “Nope. Never again, I think. Got it buzzed for basic and decided I like it like this. Low maintenance… I can get that extra five minutes of sleep in the morning.”

It does suit him, making him look older than his years, especially with the exposed scar bisecting his hairline. There must be a story there, but he’ll have to offer to tell it. As for me, I had my fill of looking at the way my ears stick out… part of the joy of life at Jump Zero. Started growing my hair out again the moment I got back to Earth. 

As I open my instrument case, I belatedly remember my manners and offer him a beer. “All I have is that Canadian lager… but you might like it.”

“Sure, I’ll give it a try. Thanks, Kaidan.” 

I pop open a cold one for him, but nothing for me. Not if I’m going to try to play anything of any significance. Speaking of which… “What do you want to hear? I’ll probably need a couple of warm ups before attempting anything serious, after the beers at lunch. But I guess I don’t really know what kept bringing you back to listen.”

He doesn’t answer right away, and I begin tightening the bow and running it across the cake of amber rosin. I might have misheard his quiet reply, but it sounds like he said, “ _You_. You did.” 

By the time I can process that and look over at him, instrument tucked under my chin, he is elaborating, so I might have been wrong about what I heard initially. “I don’t know much about music, Kaidan… I liked a lot of what you were playing, so surprise me." After pausing for a sip of beer, he adds another thought. "I guess I was pretty impressed with that one really fast flashy piece you played once, though. Couldn’t imagine how your fingers moved that fast.”

I laugh, stretching my fingers in anticipation. “That would probably have been the Paganini _Caprice #24_. It’s kind of a showpiece. An encore kind of thing designed to wow the crowd. I like to throw that into the mix sometimes in case people start to think I’m just another pop fiddler. I like playing all kinds of music… from Bach to the Beatles. I’ll warm up with some of that and then see what comes out. Okay?”

He takes another trial swallow of the lager, murmuring, “Not bad...” before crossing his legs and leaning back against the sofa cushions to listen.

I feel a little self-conscious at the command performance, so I start with a bit of hopeful humor – _Here Comes the Sun._ Of course it doesn’t change the weather, but it brings a smile from my listener. I shift to Bach for a couple of short pieces, watching his face to see if it’s something he’s enjoying. I’m not sure what else I’m planning to play, but I find myself getting caught up in Bruch's Op 26, 2nd movement… a little embarrassing in that I always associate it with Rahna, but Shepard is the first person I’ve started to feel anything for since her, so maybe there’s some subconscious logic in the choice.

One piece leads to the next… Before I realize it, my fingers are flying through the _Presto in Moto_ , my thought being that if John liked the Paganini, this little showpiece might make an impression, too. This is totally a muscle memory piece and I let my eyes close as the music builds to it’s inevitable climax. 

Playing that one always takes a lot out of me, both physically and emotionally, so I pause to catch my breath afterward, opening my eyes to find Shepard staring open-mouthed at me intently, the bottle of lager set aside, forgotten. “Does that always happen?”

“What?”

“You were… glowing blue, Kaidan. I don’t know much about this stuff, but… are you biotic?”

After laying the instrument back into its case, I collapse onto the shabby couch next to him, head in my shaking hands. “Yeah... guess the secret is out of the bag.” A deep sigh escapes along with an apology. “Sorry you had to see that. I try to keep it damped way down. I guess I got too into the music and it flared.” I wipe the back of my hand across my forehead. “Look, I’m so sorry, John… I wouldn’t blame you if you just want to go now and never have anything more to do with me. I’m a freak.”

I start to get up, feeling a need to pace. A gentle hand on my knee keeps me in place. “Hey hey, Kaidan. it’s okay… there’s nothing wrong with you. You have another gift besides music, that’s all.“

My reply comes out as a snort. “Gift... yeah right. I’m a weapon, John. What if that happened when I was busking? Playing in public... and people saw it? I’d get thrown in lockup or a hospital or something.” I pause to take a breath, but the words keep tumbling out. “They’d call in the military, for sure. People like me are freaks, Shepard. Not gifted. I was born that way, but then they… never mind. That’s my baggage. I’m not going to saddle you with it.”

He hasn’t moved his hand except to rub slow circles on my knee. The touch is warm and might be helping to calm me down some. The simple contact means more to me than I would ever have expected. I finally risk looking up, meeting his eyes. There’s no fear in them, no coldness… only something that looks like concern. He’s worried about me? 

“It didn’t look threatening, Kaidan. It looked like a response to the music, or the emotion you were pouring into the music. I don’t know that piece, but it seems to mean something important to you. Different than the other fast one... the Paganini, was it? If you ever want to talk about it... I’m a pretty good listener…“ 

I rest my own hand over his for a moment, squeezing lightly, hoping he’ll understand how much I appreciate his understanding… his presence. I must have been feeling pretty comfortable to have let my control slip so far. But I owe him some kind of explanation.

“Not supposed to talk about it, John… i guess that’s why it comes out in the music. Did you ever wonder how I can afford the rent for even this crummy apartment on the spare change people throw into my fiddle case?”

He’s shaking his head, but I don’t really give him a chance to answer before taking a deep breath and telling him about things I’ve never talked about. “The only people who know this are my parents… but you deserve to know since you insist on getting your life mixed up with mine. I get a ‘stipend’... from a company called Conatix. Or I did… I think they went bust recently. Good riddance. But the money will end too, I guess. So maybe the silence can finally end, too.“ 

__His hand drops from my leg as John sits up abruptly. “Conatix? You were caught up in that fiasco? God, Kaidan, I didn’t know…”_ _

“Yeah. I try to make sure no one does. They called it a stipend, but it was to buy my silence. But they couldn’t silence my music. I guess the biotics manifest when I’m playing something I associate with all that… all that stuff… the good and the bad. And yeah, there wasn’t much good, but some of the other kids were okay… trapped there like me. That fast piece – the _Presto in Moto_ – I associate it with the final.... debacle, I guess is a word for it. So that association and the technical difficulty… that’s where the biotics flared. I know not to play that in public now.” 

__Without realizing what I’m doing, my hand is moving in the fingering pattern for that piece. John reaches for my hand and wraps it in his, stilling the motion and the racing of my mind as I get lost in memories of the fight with Vrynnus. He doesn’t let go even after the movement stops, simply threading his fingers with mine as we continue to talk._ _

__“Is there other music you associate with the experience?”_ _

__“Yeah, the one I played before it - Bruch's Op 26, 2nd movement. That reminds me of someone there that i cared about... but it didn’t end well. I tried to protect her…“ Taking a deep breath, I put her behind me… it was what it was. “And a couple of other pieces, too, I guess …”_ _

__“You can play them for me, Kaidan. Seems like it’s a way you’ve found to kind of process it all.”_ _

__“Yeah… Be glad you didn’t meet me a couple years ago. I was a mess. My parents tried to help, but it felt stifling. They wanted me to go back to music, go to Conservatory. I couldn’t... I just can’t. I don’t think I’m cut out to be a professional musician. To make it a job. It’s too much more than that for me. It’s a lifeline, you know? I still don’t know what I’ll do with my life. especially if the money goes away. I guess i could ask my parents to let me live in the Vancouver apartment full time, but to do what with my life?”_ _

__He squeezes my hand. “You don’t have to decide that right now, do you?”_ _

__His smile coaxes one from me in return. “Nope. It’s just something I think about. I want to make something of myself, but at the moment, I’m okay right here in the moment.”_ _

__“I have to get back to base for dinnertime, but we have an hour or two. You could play more if you want to, or we could just talk.”_ _

__I scoot a little closer to him on the couch, not letting go of his hand. “That sounds good. Tell me about growing up in space. I used to dream of that life… watching the stars from the orchard….”_ _

__

____

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The music of Chapter 8 - Repertoire
> 
> [Paganini Caprice #24](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gpnIrE7_1YA&index=2&list=PLf4I0D9yEyOb2S-aDAF8Y8A4xHUiKa0dB)
> 
> [The Beatles Here Comes the Sun](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GysCM0WBZzM&list=PLf4I0D9yEyObkvKuisuVCJ0pLF6nt86q0&index=29)
> 
> [Bruch - Violin Concerto No. 1, Op. 26 - Second Movement](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lFDbIUKWTqo&index=5&list=PLf4I0D9yEyOb2S-aDAF8Y8A4xHUiKa0dB)
> 
> [Barber - Violin Concerto, Op. 14: III. Presto in moto](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o4wSifmQT_E&list=PLf4I0D9yEyObkvKuisuVCJ0pLF6nt86q0&index=38)


	9. Lin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finding a way to help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On a blustery November afternoon, Kaidan's small audience includes one especially rapt listener in addition to John Shepard.

 

He’s not here yet today. 

It still surprises me how fast I’ve gotten used to seeing Shepard in the park near where I like to busk. I tell myself that he has a lot of other things he is supposed to be doing - classes, studying, and PT sessions for a start, but that doesn’t stop me from missing him when he’s not here. 

I’ve been careful not to get too lost in the music I’m playing. After the biotic flare that he witnessed, fortunately in private, I’ve stayed away from the flashy repertoire. People don’t seem to mind. They tip as well for a lively set of Cape Breton reels as for a Bach Partita and there’s no danger of losing myself in the emotional content. 

I thought I caught a glimpse of an Alliance uniform a few minutes ago, but the older woman wearing it was definitely not Shepard. But when I looked in that direction, not far from John’s usual spot, I did notice a little girl watching raptly. Probably not more than five years old and standing with a man I assume to be her father. I haven’t seen them here before - I would have remembered the child with her two long ponytails tied with red ribbons. I smile at them, and shift into a Disney song. When I look back in that direction, she’s singing along, and I notice that there's a tiny violin case on the ground near her feet. It reminds me of my own first instrument - being so proud of it when my parents finally agreed that I was old enough to start lessons. 

When I take a break to drink a little water and warm up my hands, the two of them approach, and the little girl shyly drops a few coins into my instrument case. Her father whispers to her, loudly enough for me to hear. “What do you say, Lin?”

She looks up, gazing at the violin I’m still holding, and says softly, “Thank you for the music.”

“You’re welcome. And thank you for telling me you liked it. Do you like Disney movies? I can play something else for you if you want me to. What’s your favorite? Princess Adastra?”

She looks up at her father for a moment, who nods. “No. _Frozen_ … I like those princesses best.”

“That’s a good one. How about this song?” I play a bit of _Let It Go_ and am rewarded with a big smile… missing one tooth. 

Her eyes go back to my violin, and I ask if she’d like to hold it. Crouching down next to her, I place it in her two small hands. She doesn’t try to lift it to her chin, content just to hold it for a few moments. As she hands it back to me, her father says, “Lin is learning to play the violin, too.” 

“I noticed the instrument case, and wondered. I was about the same age when I first started learning.” 

“We just came from a lesson. When we heard you playing here, we had to stop to listen.” 

"Do you play an instrument yourself?"

He shakes his head, admitting that he’s kind of out of his depth. “Her mother always brought her to lessons and worked with her on practicing…”

“Is her mom out of town today?”

“She’s on deployment... eighteen months. In deep space. She left three weeks ago.” 

The tone of resigned loneliness is unmistakable, and my heart goes out to them both. “My dad was Alliance. I know it was rough on my mom when he was away.” Impulsively, I offer a suggestion. “Maybe I could try to help. I’d be glad to work with Lin on her practicing sometimes, if you would both like that.” 

Belatedly, I remember that they don’t even know me. “My name is Kaidan Alenko. I don’t have any cards or anything, but I can give you my number, if you like. My parents have an apartment near English Bay. They’re both professional musicians and my mom has a teaching studio there. She plays cello in the Vancouver Symphony.”

He offers me a strong handshake. “Jack Jiang. Pleased to meet you, Kaidan. Figured you must be a local, since the temperature and wind isn’t putting you off playing outside.”

“Nope. Rain, on the other hand…” I stoop down to talk to Lin again. ”I’d love to hear your music. Would you like to play something for me?”

She looks to her dad who nods and helps her get her violin out and situated on her shoulder. With more confidence than I would have had at her age, she plays _Twinkle, Twinkle_ , with some variations. 

“That sounded good to me, Lin. Was it fun? Playing music should always be fun.” 

She nods and gives me a shy smile. “I like music.”

Her father helps her pack up her violin, and then offers me his contact information. “Give me a call, Kaidan, if you’d be willing to help her out sometimes. It looks like you two are getting along well.”

“I will, Jack. Glad to be able to help - it’s nice seeing someone excited about learning to play. Let me just arrange with my parents to use the studio and send you the directions. Take care - it was nice to meet you both. Bye, Lin.”

“Bye-bye.”  


______________________________

 

Before I can start another set of tunes, I see that Shepard has been standing in his usual spot by the maple tree. He's out of uniform today, but that's no excuse for not noticing him there earlier. I wave and he comes over to chat, smiling. “Hey, Kaidan. I saw you had a new girlfriend. I didn’t want to interrupt.” 

“Always glad to see you! I wondered if you’d be here. They were listening for awhile, and then introduced themselves, Her name is Lin Jiang and she’s just starting to learn violin.”

I explain about her mother’s deployment and how I offered to help Lin with her practicing in her mother’s absence.

“That’s a really nice thing to do, Kaidan. Sounds like a deep space assignment… that long a tour of duty is rough on everyone.”

“Yeah, Seems like the least I could do to try to help. Her mother will be out there facing Batarians and who knows what else. Maybe it will make her happy to know that Lin’s studies are progressing.” 

“It wasn’t easy when my father was off on patrol duty. I guess my mom knew too much about the hazards firsthand, and didn’t really try to hide that part of it from me once I got to be nine or ten years old. She said it’s what the Alliance was for – to help make life safe for kids like that... in the colonies, on Earth, all over the galaxy. 

"Yeah. Like that. I want to do what I can to help. I’m not sure I’m much of a teacher, but I’ll try. Maybe I can at least help prevent her from developing too many bad habits between her lessons. And keep up her enthusiasm.”

“Maybe you could teach a few other students, too… make a little money that way.”

I consider the idea, but shake my head. “Hadn’t really thought of it like that. I just wanted to help her. I’m not certified to teach officially or anything.”

There aren’t many people around, so I decide to pack up early. There’s some disappointment in John’s eyes. “I’d hoped to hear some more music. But I have a free evening. Have you eaten today? Maybe go for a beer and a sandwich, and then you could play for me again at your place?”

I pocket the tips from the violin case and secure the bow. I'm not really very hungry, but I'd never pass up the chance to spend some time with John. “Okay, but let's go to my parents’ flat after the drinks. It’s closer, and my good violin is there. This one could use a new E string.”

John gives me a quizzical look. “Do they break a lot?”

Snapping the case closed, I shake my head “Not a lot, but all the weather changes can be rough on them. One reason I don’t usually play my good fiddle outside at this time of the year. But, yeah, I try to change out strings before they break at an awkward time.”

As I slip the strap of the case over my shoulder, John reaches for my other hand, our fingers fitting together easily. 

It feels right to me.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Music of Overture - Chapter 9
> 
> [trad. Cape Breton medley](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=36tQHm1yf30)
> 
> [J.S. Bach: Partita For Violin Solo No.2 In D Minor](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBbPoFpnU5s)
> 
> [Let It Go (from "Frozen")](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vbsCQgAdwd4)


	10. Carrickfergus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A closer connection...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _But the sea is wide, and I can't swim over..._
> 
>  
> 
> At his parents' apartment in Vancouver, Kaidan introduces John to his beloved English Bay.
> 
> This chapter means a lot to me personally, and it's pretty important to John and Kaidan as well.
> 
>  So many thanks to @MrGamblinMan (on Tumblr) for the beautiful art at the end of this chapter!

 

“Nice place.” 

Kaidan is standing close to me, leaning his forearms on the balcony railing, twelve stories above the sounds of the city.

“Yeah, beautiful view. I never get tired of English Bay. When I was out at Jump Zero, I used to dream of it.” 

“I can see why. If I was ever going to live on a planet, a view like that would be a real plus.” The rainclouds have passed for the moment and the late afternoon sun glints on the green bottle I’m holding. “I think I might be acquiring a taste for your local lager, too, Kaidan.”

We’d stopped off at Mahony’s just long enough for a couple of beers and some bar snacks before coming here to his parents’ apartment. Kaidan had passed on another beer, but was nursing an energy drink, saying he’d better not drink much more if he was going to try playing some music. 

“Or maybe it’s the company.”

“Are you flirting with me, Shepard?” 

Kaidan’s eyes look almost golden in this light, easily the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen on a man. It’s so tempting to reach out to cup his cheek in my hand, just to see where it would lead, but I’m trying to let him set the pace here. It doesn’t sound like he’s had many relationships, and god knows I haven’t, so I don’t want to fuck this up. 

“Take it any way you’d like. But I do enjoy the company.”

His cheeks redden a little as he murmurs, “Likewise.” Rubbing the back of his hand across his forehead, he suddenly turns from the bay view. “I think I might need to go inside, though. The light… everything is suddenly kind of hazy. Sorry about that…”

“No problem. It _is_ pretty bright out here, especially the way the light is hitting the water now. “

Following Kaidan inside, I expect him to reach for his violin. He’d showed it to me earlier, an older instrument with a deep auburn finish, and from what I’ve heard of it, a really warm, rich sound. But instead of picking up the instrument, he sinks down on the couch near it, flinging an arm across his forehead, shading his eyes. 

“Kaidan, are you feeling okay?”

He tries to sit up straight, but quickly leans back again, eyes closed. “Yeah… no… not really. I’m getting a migraine. Nothing new for me… had them all the time as a kid. Related to the biotics, you know...”

His voice trails off, obviously in pain. “What can I do to help?”

He gestures toward the balcony doors. “Light… makes it worse. Maybe draw the shades, if you would. Meds in my coat pocket… will help some…”

Closing the shades makes the room pretty dark, and I fumble through the multiple pockets on his overcoat, finally locating a small pill bottle. I hand him a tablet along with the energy drink. He shakes his head. “Two… probably need two…”

Settling onto the couch next to him, I watch to make sure he swallows them safely. “Do you want to lie down?”

He responds with a tiny shake of his head. “Just stay with me?” His voice is barely above a whisper and his forehead is furrowed, dark eyebrows drawn close together, eyes scrunched shut in pain. He fumbles for my hand, finally finding it and gripping tightly.

“I’m here, Kaidan… not going anywhere. Breathe… you’re safe here.” 

Maybe I can make him more comfortable. Wrapping an arm around his shoulders, I draw him closer, guiding his head to rest on my chest. With a low moan, he burrows against me, his palm resting flat against my chest, over my heart. 

Cradling him close, I rock back and forth just a little, stroking my fingers through his hair. It’s as soft as I thought it would be, but this isn’t the way I wanted to learn that. He’s in so much pain, his whole body tense with it. As I stroke near the nape of his neck, my fingers brush against hidden scar tissue, covered by his hair. That must be the amp port for his L2 implant. Not knowing how sensitive it might be, I touch gently. He moans a little, but not the agonized moan I was hearing earlier. So at least I didn’t hurt him by touching it. I don’t know a lot about biotics, but have been doing a bit of reading on the subject since meeting Kaidan. Sounds like he’s pretty damn lucky to even be alive and functional with that L2 model implant, much less in good control of his biotics. 

Continuing to hold him, I rest my cheek against his hair, turning enough to press a gentle kiss into it. He seems to be resting a little more comfortably. Maybe his meds are starting to help. I wish there is something more I could do. When he moans again, I start to hum a little, very low, nothing specific at first, but it gives me an idea. 

The tuneless humming becomes a song, and I find myself singing very softly. Just an old Irish song. My father used to sing it to me, his version of a lullaby, I guess. It wasn’t really a children’s song, but the words and tune somehow stayed with me over the years… _I wish I was in Carrickfergus…_

Kaidan burrows closer and his arm slips around my waist. It occurs to me that this is the first time we’ve found our way into each other’s arms.

________________________________________________

 

Kaidan slept for at least a couple of hours, and I must have dozed off as well. He shifts his position a little as he wakes, but doesn’t pull away. 

“How are you feeling?”

He takes a moment to think about his reply. “Better… might have headed that one off before it turned into the two-day version. Thanks…”

“I didn’t do much… didn’t really know how to help beyond finding your meds.”

He turns his head to look up at me. His eyes - what I can see of them in the low light - are clear, and he meets my gaze steadily. “You’re still here. You stayed with me, John. Not everyone would.”

I have to wonder about those who didn't. No wonder he's wary. “That was the least I could do. You were hurting, and I wanted to help.”

Kaidan’s arm tightens around me. “You did more than that. You sang to me. No one has ever done that - not since i was a baby. Do you have any idea what that means to me?"

"It wasn't anything special. Seemed like you were relaxing a little when I was humming..." 

Kaidan shakes his head, still moving a little tentatively. "I could _feel_ it – the vibrations as you hummed. You reached out to comfort me in the language I know best." His voice get stronger as he continues. "I’ve played for sick people. I used to go with my parents to the local hospital at Christmas, to sing and play for the patients. I never realized… never knew how much it would mean to be on the receiving side of it.”

“I had no idea it would mean so much, but I’m glad it did. Wasn’t really planned… it just felt right, you know? My dad used to sing a lot… in the shower or just for no reason. He sometimes sang to me at bedtime when I was a kid." I shake my head, remembering. "Mom was never the lullaby type.”

“What was the song? It felt familiar... Would you sing it again sometime? I want to learn it. Seems like it would be beautiful on the fiddle.” 

Laughing a little, I nod agreement. “Yeah, I'd love to hear you play it. It’s kind of a strange choice… definitely not your typical children’s song, but my dad liked to sing it. He was Irish, and proud of it. The song is called _Carrickfergus_ , and the singer was drunk and dying. Cheerful stuff, right? But there was a line I always remembered. One that sort of spoke to me, I guess… as a kid just figuring things out about myself…"

Kaidan's eyes meet mine, inviting me to explain. So I sing him the line I’m talking about – _If i could find me a handsome boatman…_ " He nods, an encouragement to continue. "All about looking for someone to ferry him over the wide water, I guess... I don’t know, I just liked the image.” 

When he smiles at me, I feel a warmth spreading through my whole body. “A handsome boatman, eh?” 

My breath catches at the husky tone of his voice… a tone I haven’t heard before. “Yeah… maybe I found him…”

Kaidan's hand has slipped under my shirt, and I shiver at the touch. His open palm sliding over my skin trails a heat that prompts me to finally give in to the impulse I'd had earlier, when we stood together looking out over English Bay. His cheek is warm against my hand as he leans into the touch.

I can’t say which of us initiates the kiss. 

It lingers. Never really chaste, it deepens into a mutual need... my fingers in his hair, his hand exploring the muscles and planes of my back as he pulls me against him. I've never felt closer to anyone.

“Kaidan?”

“Yes... “

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The music of _Overture_ – Chapter 10
> 
> [Carrighfergus](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Hgf9FnsNJQ&list=PLf4I0D9yEyObkvKuisuVCJ0pLF6nt86q0&index=5)
> 
> There are many versions of this song, but this one is what I associate with Shepard's song as his father sang it.


	11. Dawn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Morning has broken...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At the Alenko apartment in Vancouver, Kaidan and Shepard have just spent their first night together. They both want to celebrate it. This is John's voice. 
> 
> My deepest thanks to [potionsmaster](https://archiveofourown.org/users/potionsmaster/pseuds/potionsmaster) for all the encouragement and an unwavering belief that I would finally get this written.
> 
> And of course, it's for John.
> 
>  

 

The music wakes me. Slowly. 

I don't know how long Kaidan has been playing, but I slept through him slipping out of bed and getting his violin from the living room. His bedroom is on the other side of the flat from English Bay, the eastern exposure providing a glimmer of light while leaving most of the room still in shadow. 

He's facing the window with his back toward the bed, and I can't take my eyes off of him. He's wearing just a pair of sweats, slung low on his hips, clinging to every curve. Makes me want to reach for his hips and pull him against me, but I don't move and try not to make a sound. I want him to keep playing and not stop on account of me being awake. 

The muscies of his back and shoulders flex as he leans into the music, his bow arm in constant fluid motion. The grace of the movement masks the strength I felt in those arms last night, wrapped tightly around me as he unexpectedly rolled on top of me. Our eyes met for a long moment before he lowered his head to kiss my neck, lingering at the pulse of my throat as the heat built between us again. 

Pulling myself back to the moment, the light is warming as dawn approaches. Kaidan has turned just a bit so that I'm seeing him more in profile, watching his face over his bow arm. His skin has a golden glow, and his dark hair is tousled. I contributed to that look, and my fingers itch to thread through it again and again. 

The music is slow and fluid, almost gentle... and it builds along with the approaching dawn. No longer in shadow, Kaidan's face seems to glow in the rosy light. His eyes - often closed – are focussed in the distance when he does open them. If he realizes that I'm awake, he doesn't give any sign, and I find myself holding my breath, not wanting to break the moment. I've never seen him so immersed in the music, not even when he played the piece that provoked the biotic flare. And the look on his face is so peaceful. This is a unique moment, and I feel privileged to share it. 

When the music and the sunrise build to their mutual climax, he doesn't put the instrument down immediately. He lets the last notes fade into silence before he turns to me and smiles. 

"Good morning, John."

So he knew I was awake all along. "I didn't want to disturb you... it was beautiful."

A silent nod of his head acknowledges the compliment as he carefully puts the fiddle back into its case on the floor. Sinking down onto the edge of the bed, he reaches for my hand and leans over to kiss me softly. 

"When I woke up, I just _needed_ to play. The night was ending, and I wanted to see the dawn, you know?" His amber eyes hold an intensity I haven't seen before. "You only get one chance to wake up with someone for the first time." He kisses me again, almost reverently. "I needed to celebrate it." 

Callused fingertips brush my cheek, and his voice has the same husky tone I first heard last night. "I didn't want to wake you, but I'm glad you were able to share it with me." Leaning into his touch, I realize I don't want him to move his hand – the simple touch is spreading warmth through my whole body. 

I'm sure he feels my response. Call it a shiver or a tremble or whatever you like... it's me wanting more of him. Wanting _all_ of him. The fingertips of his other hand trace my lips before he replaces them with his mouth. I hook an arm behind his neck and draw him down to lie next to me, half on top of me, actually. 

I thought he might be chilled after playing shirtless in the cool bedroom for probably half an hour, but he feels like he's on fire. I do remember from last night that he was incredibly warm as we fell asleep with him spooned behind me, one arm wrapped around my waist.

Sliding a hand down Kaidan's chest to his belly, at least one source of the heat becomes very evident. Seeing no good reason to resist, I give in to the urge to continue. Tracing the trail of dark hair and slipping beneath the waistband of his sweats, I stroke him gently before wrapping my hand around his hardening length. "Feels like you're happy to be here..."

HIs breath catches as my fingers make contact, and he shifts to prop himself up on one elbow and meet my eyes. 

"You're right about that. It brings back all the feelings from last night. Did I tell you how much it meant to me? That you stayed with me through the migraine... and then after..."

I'm not actively stroking him, content for the moment just to hold him in my hand as he hardens, feeling more comfortable than I've ever felt with anyone I've ever been with. Hell, I think there have only been a couple of times I've actually woken up with anyone. I could get used to this.

But that thought is an unwelcome reminder that our time together is limited. I can't put aside my plan to get out into deep space as soon as possible, and i don't want to... I'm Alliance. But _this_... this will be hard to leave behind. It hurts to even think about leaving Kaidan behind. The mood broken for me, I release him and move my hand.

I'm sure he sensed the shift in mood, or my movement gave it away, because he reaches to cup my face in his hand, and there's a question in his eyes. 

After a long moment of awkward silence, he finally asks directly. "Everything okay, John?"

I can't lie to him and say _'yeah, I'm good'_. I can't really explain it all, so I kiss him, trying to convey reassurance as it lingers and deepens as he opens to me. Wanting to stay back in the moment, I return to thoughts of last night. "This might sound silly, Kaid... since everything we did together last night was amazing. But you surprised me... taking the time to clean us both up afterward, before we fell asleep. No one ever did that. It meant a lot."

Kaidan's smile lights up his face. "It was an excuse to keep touching you, John... to try to take care of you, like you cared for me earleir. And I dunno, it just felt right, you know?"

"You can touch me any time, in any way you want to touch me, Kaidan." 

His eyes darken and his next kiss is deep and intense. When it ends, his voice is low and breathy. "Okay... I'll take you up on that." 

Kaidan reaches for my hand and moves it back to the waistband of his sweats. I can take the hint, and this time I give the cloth a tug rather than sliding my hand underneath it. He lifts his hips to let me push the pants down, and then just kicks them off the rest of the way himself. My breath catches at the sight of him, naked in the morning light, clearly wanting me. 

Without more words, he nudges me onto my back and settles himself over my hips. Without touching, he takes his time in running his eyes over my body, murmuring, "You're so beautiful..." as his gaze settles on my face and he finally bends to kiss me again. I'm sure my cheeks are pretty red from the scrutiny and his admiration, but the heat is definitely not only due to embarrassment. There was a rush of almost electric sensation when he leaned over me and I hardened against him.

The kiss ends too soon, but he just smiles and reaches over to the bedside table for a small bottle. To my surprise, he uses the contents to coat _my_ erection rather than his own, stroking with an almost unbearable sensuality. I fight for control... whatever he's planning, I want it to last longer than I did in our first encounter last night. As it is, the sight of him reaching around himself to apply some of the lube to his own entrance nearly pushes me over the edge without another touch. 

When he's ready, he leans forward to kiss me again, whispering against my mouth. "I want to feel you in me, John... if you're willing."

It's not at all what I expected, but Kaidan never fails to surprise me. "Yeah... more than willing, Kaid..."

"Let's stay like this, okay? I want to see your face while we're together." 

It's not something I've ever done, not like this. But I trust him completely and am so amazed at his offering himself to me like this. "Yeah... any way you like... Hell, I want you in _every_ way."

He trails a series of wet kisses down my neck and chest before lifting his hips to position himself over me. "We'll take it slow, okay? It's been awhile for me..." He smiles that amazing smile again before adding, "and you're going to be a tight fit. But I need you so much..."

It's his turn to gasp as I take him in hand again, rubbing softly, stroking my fingers over his tip, waiting for him to slowly sink down onto me and trying not to thrust against him yet. I hope the distraction will mask any pain he's feeling. He does take it slow, pausing for some deep breaths a couple of times before finally taking me all in. I'd say something, but it would be totally incoherent, especially once he starts to move, carefully lifting himself up and sinking back down again, more smoothly this time. 

The sensation is incredible, and both of us are panting and moaning as he gradually increases the pace. When he seems comfortable, I pick up his rhythm and finally thrust to meet him.

"Oh god, John, _yes_! Don't stop... amazing... fucking amazing. Oh... right _there_!"

He changes his angle a bit, and it seems I'm hitting his sweet spot with nearly every thrust. It's unlike any experience I've ever shared with anyone. I struggle not to close my eyes at the sensations – the tightness, the heat, the movement... Seeing him like this – seeing _me_ as a part of him – is indescribable. His skin is coated with a sheen of sweat and his hair is falling forward to frame his face. "Fucking gorgeous, Kaid..." is all I can manage to say before another intense wave washes over me.

I don't know how he can last much longer, and I know for sure that _I_ can't. I take him in hand again, squeezing to match our rhythm. That pushes him over the edge almost immediately, clamping down hard around me as he comes, not slowing his movement until he feels me shudder as well, not long after him.

Then he collapses, head on my chest, spent. Wrapping my arms around him, I just want to hold him as close as I can. And I want to stay in him as long as my body will let me. All too soon, I slip out, but neither of us wants to move just yet. He lifts his head enough to kiss me, soft and gentle. No words necessary. 

I slowly run my fingers through his hair as his breathing slows to normal, and soon I feel his hand slacken where he's been clasping mine. 

Utterly content, I watch over him as he sleeps. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music of _Overture_ – Chapter 11
> 
> [Morning (from Peer Gynt) - Edvard Grieg](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EikJKp2hstY&list=PLf4I0D9yEyObkvKuisuVCJ0pLF6nt86q0&t=0s&index=47)
> 
> [Morning Has Broken](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5E1O5SNAWPw&list=PLf4I0D9yEyObkvKuisuVCJ0pLF6nt86q0&t=0s&index=49)


	12. The Minstrel Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A shot of harsh reality... several shots, actually

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place in mid-December at Mahony's Irish pub in Vancouver. It is Kaidan's voice.
> 
> The title is from an old Irish song (linked in the End Notes) that really resonates with Shepard.
> 
> The story of Shepard's father's last mission (mentioned in this chapter) can be found in [Ambush](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14973242)

Shepard is drunk.

I've never seen him more than a little buzzed from a few beers, but tonight he got to Mahony's before me and is downing shots of Jameson. 

I was surprised to get a message from him telling me he'd meet me here. Usually we meet at my place and walk over together, especially since I haven't been staying at my usual busking spot as late as I did when we'd meet there. In mid-December, it gets dark so damn early. It's too cold to play very well once the sun goes down, even if anyone would stand around shivering in order to listen. Maybe I'll try some evening busking when it gets closer to Christmas and people are out shopping. Holiday songs go over well, and people tend to be feeling generous. 

I dunno... I guess it kind of depends on how much time John and I can manage to spend together. That's my priority right now. I don't like thinking about the day when he has to ship out. I know it's what he wants – what he's been dreaming of doing since he was a kid – but I'm selfish enough to want him here with me. I think we'll at least get Christmas together. He's hoping for a couple days of leave then. I'd love to show him the orchard. I remember him saying once that he's never seen snow.

Seeing Shepard here like this tonight confirms my suspicion that something is bothering him, _something_ happened today, and it wasn't good. I don't ask. He'll tell me when he's ready to talk.

He didn't take the time to change out of his fatigues, and It doesn't look like he's eaten any dinner, so I ask if he'd like something when I order a burger. "Naw... not hungry. I'll mooch your fries if I want anything."

I order extra, resolving to make sure he eats most of them. 

"Gonna join me for a few shots, Kaid?" 

"Nah, one of us needs to make sure we both get home safe tonight. Think I'll just stick with the lager." I've pretty much stayed away from the hard stuff since getting my act together... and I really don't want to go back down that road.

"Suit yourself." He raises his glass to me before downing the whiskey. "Cheers."

The toast is ironic – there's nothing cheerful about his mood tonight.

____________________________

It's open mic night here at Mahony's, and there's no shortage of people who want to get up and offer a song or play a tune. Some are pretty good. Others... well, they're having a good time of it and the audience is generous in appreciation of everyone's efforts. Even John is paying a bit of attention to the music.

"Should have brought your fiddle, Kaid. You're a hell of a lot better than most of this stuff."

Shaking my head, I offer the first excuse that comes to mind. "Didn't think about it. When I got your message, I was worried that something was up, and just wanted to get here as soon as I could."

"It's okay. I'll remind you next time." 

He still doesn't say anything about what's bothering him enough to start drinking alone... not ready to talk about it yet, I guess.

The fries are steadily disappearing from my plate, and I take my time eating the burger so Shepard will keep stealing them. At least it slows down the alcohol consumption a bit.

When the house backup musicians take a break, John mumbles something about taking a leak. I'm glad to see that he's pretty steady on his feet. Apparently, he has no trouble holding his liquor. I wonder how much drinking experience he's had, being so young, but I'm guessing it's probably not hard to get someone to buy you a drink at a space station bar. Especially a buddy he might have been training with in the gym or on the target range. Shepard has mentioned spending a lot of time in both of those places during the last few years before he was old enough to enlist.

After downing one more shot, John surprises the hell out of me when he gets up to sing, muttering, "Too damn many sappy love songs..."

His song is neither of those things. His voice is rough, and his delivery raw and intense. The house fiddler draws a simple drone behind the melody line, and the guitar player has picked up his bodhran instead, keeping a slow, relentless cadence.

_"The minstrel boy to the war has gone..."_

_in the ranks of death you will find him..."_

 

When the song ends, the last notes on the fiddle die off into silence, the bodhran beat fading as if into the distance. The audience responds with loud applause, and the fiddler waves a hand for quiet. He reaches out to Shepard to shake his hand. 

"Thank you, soldier. For your song and your service." 

John acknowledges this with a tiny incline of his head before returning to our table, slumping onto the chair and resting his head on his folded arms.

Suddenly I know without a doubt who that song was for, and about. "Your father?"

"Yeah. Fucking batarians."

I slide my chair closer and press my leg against his as I repeat the last line of the song in a low whisper – _"thy songs were made for the pure and free... they shall never sound in slavery."_

John lifts his head to meet my eyes. His are haunted. He picks up his empty shot glass and puts it down again, pushing it away this time. "It's not just my dad. There's something you need to know, Kaid..."

His voice has a ragged edge, and seems near to breaking.0

"What is it? Something that happened today?" 

"Yeah... hasn't hit the newsfeeds yet. Alliance is keeping it quiet until notifications go out, I guess."

"Notifications?" 

"To next-of-kin... casualties... Fucking goddamn batarians. We lost another ship out near the colony on Elysium."

My first thought is of his mother. If he's lost her, too... I try to push that possibility away as he continues. 

"Good news is that there are survivors. Some of the crew got away in escape pods this time. But the captain and others... they stayed with the ship. Weren't gonna let the bastards take it intact. Quite a firefight, I guess, but pretty heavy losses when it was all said and done."

I reach for his hand. His fingers curl around mine, gripping tightly. It sounds so much like what happened to his father on the _Culloden_. I don't know a lot of the details, but do know he'd been in command and stayed with his ship. _'Never in slavery'_ indeed. Even out on Jump Zero we heard stories about what the batarian slavers do to their victims. Just remembering it makes my stomach want to retch.

"Kaidan... this was the _Melbourne_. Lin's mother was on that ship."

'No!" I feel like I've been attacked myself, and struggle to find words. "Survivors? You said there were some. Do you know if..." I can't even say the words on the tip of my tongue, and instead I blurt out "Did she made it off the ship?"

John shakes his head, absently rubbing his thumb slowly across my palm. "Dunno yet. Hard to get any details about it. I happened to overhear some of the officers talking about it this afternoon. The word _notifications_ was mentioned a couple of times, so I don't know if Lin's father would have heard anything yet... either way."

"Oh, god. Poor Lin... and Jack. I can't even imagine how they'll take it if she... doesn't come back. Goddamn it, I thought she was on a routine mission." I let out a long breath. "Nobody's safe out there, I guess..."

He rubs at the back of his neck. This is hard on him, too. "Yeah. Like that. No such thing as a _routine_ mission, Kaidan."

I should have known that from things my father has talked about. I think it was probably the main reason he left active duty for the reserves after I was born.

"Makes me want to ship out on the next transport to get out there and kick their asses to oblivion." The angry edge in Shepard's voice would cut steel. "But here I am, stuck here... still in _training._ "

He signals the server to bring another round of drinks. Can't blame him. I know he just wants to _do_ something. What surprises me is my own reaction. Some part of me wants to be out there, too. Trying to make a difference. I've never felt like this about it. I've always loved the stars, but after BAaT, I didn't want to be associated with anything military ever again. Now... I dunno.

I take a long swig from the cold bottle of lager. "I don't know what to do. I guess i need to wait for Jack to tell me... But it's killing me not knowing the outcome. Knowing that this little girl will go to bed tonight unaware that her mother had been fighting for her life... and might have lost the fight."

John nods, his lips tight. "Yeah. I sat up with my mom waiting for word about Dad... Longest goddamn night of my life. 

"And you were a teenager. Lin is just five years old."

"I was fourteen. My childhood ended that night."

"She deserves more than five years of childhood... and more than just the memory of a brave mother." My stomach is still in knots. "But maybe Elizabeth made it off the ship. She worked in Engineering, I think..."

"Dunno when they'll hear anything, Kaid. Soon, I hope. The Alliance can't keep a lid on this for long. Surprised nothing has leaked already. I'm sure Jack will be in touch with you. When are you supposed to meet with Lin again for her violin practice?"

"Tomorrow afternoon. Going to be rough if I don't hear anything from Jack by then, trying to act normal. Lin's a smart kid. She'll pick up on it if something feels off."

"I hope to hell that her mom got off that ship. No one should lose a parent like that. _No one._ "

I pick up my beer, but put it down without taking another sip. His own last drink untouched, Shepard drops my hand and pushes back his chair. "Let's go home."

I don't think he's ever referred to it that way. Usually, it's more like 'let's go back to your place' or whatever. Something about the way he called it _home_ touches me in a way I can't explain. I hope it's not just because he's had a lot of Jameson, because I like the sound of it.

On our way out, several people stop us to shake Shepard's hand and murmur thanks or good wishes. I know he really just wants to get out into the cold night air, but he's gracious with all of them. 

As we step away from Mahony's, John takes my hand again, squeezing hard. "You going to be okay, Kaidan?"

There's worry in his voice. I think part of his stress tonight was about having to tell me the news. I return the squeeze and thread my fingers through his as we start walking toward home. 

"Yeah... I'm good." 

We walk a few blocks in silence. It a clear night and the stars mock me with their deceptive beauty. "Not sure I'll ever get used to hearing about those kind of losses, though." 

"You won't. Pretty rough for everyone involved, but maybe It's hardest on those left behind."

I can't tell if he guesses that I'm also thinking about _him_ being the one in danger. That's going to be hell, being helpless to do anything if – or _when_ – I hear that he's in trouble out there some day. But hat's a conversation for another day... I have a lot to think about.

I move closer to him, welcoming the comfort when he wraps an arm around my shoulder. I really don't want to be alone right now. "Can you stay tonight, John?" 

"Yeah. Not going anywhere besides home with you."

I don't think he's drunk anymore. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music from Overture - Chapter 12
> 
>  [The Minstrel Boy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JbCf4wQAkL0)  
> It's an old Irish air with lyrics by Thomas Moore. This version is from the soundtrack for the movie "Black Hawk Down" 
> 
>  


	13. Lullaby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes music is the only thing that gets your mind off of everything else. _– unknown_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place at the Alenko apartment in Vancouver where John and Kaidan are spending the night after the evening at Mahony's.
> 
> It is Kaidan's voice.

"Play something for me, Kaid?"

The request is hesitant, almost plaintive, as if John wasn't sure I'd want to do it. His voice sounds tired and a little raspy, like he could use a drink of water. I feel the vibrations of his voice as much as I hear the words, before lifting my head from his chest and seeking his eyes in the dim light.

"What do you want to hear?"

"I dunno... your choice. Can't sleep..."

Brushing my fingertips across his cheek makes me wonder if my own stubble had felt too rough against his chest. He hadn't complained, and it felt so good to be there, his strong arms around me, sheltering. Drawing his face closer, I taste a faint memory of last night's whiskey in a soft kiss. "I don't think either of us is really sleeping. Maybe move to the bed?"

He shakes his head before kissing me again. It's warm and slow, and although he runs his tongue over my lips, there's no real urgency in it. Unlike a few hours earlier. "Naw... too lazy to move. I'm good."

We're still wrapped up in each other, pretty much lying on top of each other, actually. The couch feels smaller now than it did last night. We didn't make it as far as the bedroom when we got in from Mahony's. For my part, I just wanted to _forget_ for a little while. Forget attacks on starships. Forget losses and deaths – past. present, and still to come. Forget deployments... 

I only wanted him to hold me, and to feel his skin against mine, accompanied by the reassuring beat of his heart. And to hear his low moans as I unfastened his pants and took him in hand. Already hard, he pressed himself against me, wanting more. My first caresses became faster, firmer strokes when he reciprocated, and I lost track of everything except his touch as he brought our erections together. His long fingers wrapped around us both, and my world narrowed until all that was left was my need for him.

John must have felt the same need. There was an urgency in our coming together that I hadn't felt with him before. It was like we both wanted to lose ourselves in each other. 

Maybe it worked, for a time. We both dozed a little afterward. But now we're awake, still partly dressed, and from the darkness outside, it's probably still a few hours 'till morning. 

After untangling myself from his arms and legs, I scrub a hand down my face, trying to decide what to play for him. I'm still searching for the piece of music that says _John_ to me, one that expresses everything about him and about my deepening feelings for him. He's not easy to sum up in a single piece of music... he's a complicated man. But I love a good challenge... and this one holds the promise of the greatest rewards. 

But for tonight, I just want to play something to help him relax into sleep, allow him to forget the memories that nearly overwhelmed him last night as he struggled to tell me about the loss of the _Melbourne_. He was so determined to push aside all of his own grief and anger about his father's death, more worried about _me_ – how to break it to me and how I'd react to the news. His concern touches me more deeply than I can express, even through my music. 

When I shrug off my unbuttoned (and very rumpled) shirt, the cool room air hits my chest now that I'm not sharing Shepard's warmth. Padding barefoot across the room to where i'd stowed my fiddle case, I'm glad I decided to come here to my parents' place last night rather than walking the longer distance to my own flat above the Italian restaurant. There's no carpet there, and my feet would be cold. Such a silly random thought. I'm actually more grateful for the good soundproofing here. I can play music (or make other sounds) at all hours of the night without disturbing anyone, It's a side benefit of Mom having her teaching studio here. 

"Still no requests?" I'm tuning up, and unless requested otherwise, maybe I'll just play a few quiet, contemplative pieces. 

"Nope, no preferences. I'd just close my eyes and listen, except for the fact that i really like watching you play. The physicality of it... It's kind of sexy, you know?" 

I snort a laugh even as I feel my cheeks redden at his frankness. "Especially when i'm half-naked, you mean."

"Could be, yeah... nothing wrong with that, right?"

"Not coming from you. But then again, you're the only person I've ever played for like that."

He responds with that little smirk of a smile that was one of the first things I noticed about him... along with those beautiful blue eyes. Dragging my mind back to the present, I need to take a calming breath or two before I start to play.

Beginning with Massenet's _"Thais" Meditation_ , which always feels peaceful to me, I watch John as the music unfolds. Despite his efforts to stay awake, John's eyes do drift closed from time to time.

After a few Irish slow airs, he's definitely drifting off. Just to be sure, I play one more piece... the Brahms _Lullaby._ My mother used to play it for me. Her cello was one of the few sounds I could sometimes tolerate even when I had a migraine. I thought it might bring a smile from John if he was actually still awake. Nope, nothing.

Mission accomplished.

As quietly as possible, I put the instrument away and rejoin Shepard on the couch. He mumbles something unintelligible as I settle against him, wrapping an arm around behind him and lfeeling him burrow his face against my bare shoulder.

Almost as an afterthought, I pull the chenille blanket from the back of the couch and drape it over us both. It's blue, like English Bay on a sunny afternoon... or like Shepard's eyes. With a light kiss on his forehead, I whisper, "Sleep safe, John." 

The lullaby didn't work on me this time. My anxiety and fears come crowding back. Thoughts of Lin's mother and John's father share space in my mind - and heart - with my fears for John himself. One day, he'll be the one out there... and I'll be the one left behind. I know there's nothing I can do about any of this right now, and try to focus on my breathing, willing an elusive calm. 

What finally helps is to play music in my mind. Music that i'm hesitant to play for him yet because it's so personal, expressing what's in my heart. Maybe before he leaves, I can... I dunno. 

After a time, comforted by John's nearness and quiet breathing, I close my eyes and join him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music of _Overture_ \- Chapter 13
> 
> [J. Massenet –"Thais" Meditation](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NLhvMgucWns&t=0s&index=52&list=PLf4I0D9yEyObkvKuisuVCJ0pLF6nt86q0)
> 
> [Irish trad. – The Coolin](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYoJcKHcmdw%5C)
> 
> [Irish trad. – Sliabh na mBan](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t3PBXNOs4f0)
> 
> [Brahms – Lullaby](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Cj_FjI5VvQ) (solo cello)


	14. Falling Slowly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _You have a choice..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place immediately following the previous chapter. Kaidan is at the Alenko apartment in Vancouver. After Lin's violin practice session, he and Shepard meet at Mahony's.
> 
> The chapter title and summary are from the song of the same name. (see End Notes)

 

"I should go,"

It feels like I just closed my eyes, but it's definitely morning, and John managed to slip away for a shower without disturbing my sleep. Now he's dressed and standing by the couch.

"You left without waking me..."

John smiles as he bends to kiss me, a light touch of his lips to mine. "Didn't have the heart."

It's so tempting to deepen the kiss and draw him back down to me, but I know he needs to get back to base. And he definitely needs to find a fresh uniform before reporting for duty. "I appreciate the thought, but next time... wake me."

"Okay." He trails his fingertips across my cheek and down my neck, the touch making me shiver. "Maybe next time I can get you to join me in the shower."

"Mmm... you wouldn't have to ask twice."

Rubbing my eyes, trying to wake up, I remember why we ended up here last night. "John... message me if you hear anything you can share, okay?"

He takes my hand, pulling me to my feet for another kiss. "Yeah, I will. You too, if you hear from Jack. Just keep hoping for the best, Kaid.."

Shouldering his bag, he turns to go. "Say hi to Lin and her dad for me when you see them."

"Will do. Talk to you soon, I hope. With good news."

________________________

_JackJiang_ 11:38 - Kaidan, could we postpone Lin's practice till mid afternoon? Expecting a call and want Lin to be there.

 _Kaidan_ 11:40 - Hey Jack. Sure. Sounds important.

 _Jack_ 11:41 - Yeah. I'd call you now but Lin would overhear. Elizabeth's ship was attacked - destroyed - by batarians.

 _Kaidan_ 11:42 - On no! That's a terrible thing! Is shs okay?

 _Jack_ 11:44 - Yeah. Got a comm message from her. She got away in an escape pod. A little banged up, but no serious injury. Everyone not that lucky...

 _Kaidan_ 11:45 - So relieved that she made it! Is she coming home early?"

 _Jack_ 11:50 - Sorry, talking to Lin. Elizabeth doesn't know yet. Waiting for orders, I guess. Authorized one family vid call. Might know more by then. I want Lin to be there to be sure she sees that her mom is fine.

 _Kaidan_ 11:51 - Good idea Take your time. I'll be here.

 _Jack_ 11:52 - Okay. She's looking forward to her practice session. I'm not very good at helping her with it.

 _Kaidan_ 11:53 - She's doing fine. And Jack, may I tell Shepard the news? HIs mother serves on a starship too.

 _Jack_ 11:55 - Sure. I don't know how much about this whole attack has made it to the news feeds. Probably will soon, if it hasn't.

 _Kaidan_ 11:57 - Not much out there about it yet. OK Jack, see you two later this afternoon.

______________________________

"Kaidan! Kaidan, I talked to my mom! And I got to _see_ her!"

Before she even gets her coat off, Lin is talking a mile a minute. I hang the red woolen jacket in the closet while she puts her violin case on the low table in the studio. It's good to see her this excited. I was so worried about how she'd react to hearing about the attack on the _Melbourne,_

"Thats great, Lin! I'm glad you got to talk to her. I'm sure she misses you a lot." 

"I miss her, too... She's so far away. Out in space."

"Yeah. She serves on a starship, right?" 

As she nods, the smile fades and her voice is solemn. "She said they met some bad guys. Kaidan, they shot at her ship! But she's okay. She escaped! And she even helped other guys escape too! They were hurt, but she helped them get away. Like Princess Adastra did in the movie". 

A bit of excitement returns to her voice as she compares her mother to her favorite Disney princess.

"Sounds like your mom is a hero like Princess Adastra, Lin. I'm not surprised that she would help injured crewmates. She wouldn't want to leave them behind."

"No. She'd try to help."

Lin looks away, and i see her wiping the knuckles of her small fist across her eyes. "She can't come home yet. She's going on some other ship now. I wish she could come home." 

"I know you miss her a lot, Lin. But it's good that she wasn't injured, and the Alliance needs people to do the things she does on a starship. She'll get back home as soon as she can, I'm sure." 

She's trying to compose herself. It breaks my heart a little, seeing her so sad and trying to be brave. Maybe I can distract her a little. "Do you remember my friend, Shepard?" 

After a moment and a little sniffle, she nods. "The soldier?"

"Yeah, that's him. He's going to school here in Vancouver for a little while. When that's done, he'll be going out to serve on a starship, too."

She toys with the blue velvet fabric that protects her violin in its case, clearly thinking about something. Finally she looks up at me, her question surprisingly direct and not at all what i was expecting her to ask.

"Will you miss him a lot?" 

Five years old or not, I owe her an honest answer. "Yeah, I will, Lin. He's a really good friend. But he's wanted to be a soldier for a long time... probably since he was your age."

She nods again as she takes her bow out of the case and starts to rub it with rosin. It probably doesn't need more rosin right now, but it keeps her hands busy while she thinks about things. 

Lin's voice is barely above a whisper, and she doesn't look at me when she asks, "Will you be scared?"

I sink down to the floor and sit cross-legged near her violin case. She carefully puts her bow on the table and sits down next to me on the floor. 

"I know I'll worry about him, Lin. Will I be scared? Yeah, that too."

She lets out a breath that she must have been holding. I really don't know how to reassure her... this is all still ahead of me.

"I think it's pretty normal to feel like that when the people we care about are far away. People like your mom, and Shepard. They chose to serve in the Navy because they want to help protect other people... people like us that they have to leave behind at home, you know?"

I almost forget i'm talking to a child. I guess i'm still trying to wrap my own head around the whole thing for myself... John will be deploying, probably for a long tour of duty, and I'll be left behind to worry about him. And miss him like hell. But that will be what it is. Right now there's a little girl who needs some reassurance.

"You know, Shepard's mother serves on a starship, too. All the time when he was growing up. She still does. The two of you have that in common. I know he worries about his mom, too. "

She clasps her hands tightly together in her lap, and lifts her head to look at me directly. "Does her ship get attacked by bad guys, too?" 

I'd been avoiding talking about that part, but there it is. 

"Maybe, sometimes. But it's her job to protect families living on colonies out in space. To keep the bad guys from bothering _them._ "

Lin's brown eyes open wide. _She_ really is like Princess Adastra! She sounds realhy brave." 

"Yeah. Pretty sure she is. Your mom is, too! And I know she misses you and your father as much as you miss her. Did you get to play anything for her when she called today?"

That brings a smile. "A little. I played _Twinkle, Twinkle_. I played that for you one time. I can play it better now!" 

"I remember! It sounded really good even then. I'm sure your mother appreciated hearing you play. She's probably glad you're still working on your music."

Another smile, maybe a bit embarrassed this time. "She liked it. And told me to be sure to practice."

"That sounds like _my_ mother. _'Are you practicing enough, Kaidan?'_ " 

Her smile turns into a full-fledged giggle. "But you're a grown-up!"

Now, I'm laughing, too. "She's still my mother. Some things never change. I'll always be her little boy."

The side-eyed look she's giving me makes me think she's trying to imagine me as a little kid.

"I guess we should do the practice thing then. I saw that you got your bow ready. Would you like some help tuning your violin?"

She lifts the instrument from the case and hands it to me. "Yes, please. I tried before my mom called. It's hard... harder than playing."

"It just takes practice. You have a good ear. I know you'll get it figured out. But let me give you a hand this time. You can listen to how i'm doing it. I'm not going to use the tuner app, ok? Just my ears."

After some small adjustments, I hand the instrument back to her. "You did pretty well, Lin. Nice job!"

I get to my feet and pick up my own violin, making a point of tuning it so she can listen to the intervals again. "Do you want to learn a new song today? We can practice some scales afterward."

Her eyes brighten at the suggestion. "Yes! What song?"

"It's a lullaby. It's supposed to help people fall asleep. Babies of course, but older kids and adults, too. My mom used to play this one for me on her cello."

"Let me hear it. I want to try!"

I play the Brahms _Lullaby_ for her. I know it's in one of her lesson books. I hope I'm not stepping on her teacher's toes here, but I just think she'll like it and the challenge might be a good distraction for her.

"Oh, that's pretty. Is it hard? Teach me?

"Not too hard. Once you learn the notes, just think about playing it gently like you were helping someone fall asleep... like your dad, maybe."

That brings on another giggle. "Did your mom or dad ever sing to you to get you to fall asleep?"

She nods, thinking about it. "Mom sang sometimes. It was Chinese.

"Sounds nice! Do you speak much Chinese?"

She shakes her head. 'No, only a little bit."

"Me either, and my grandmother is Chinese. But she lived far away and I only met her once."

She's trying to pick out a bit of the melody, so I play through it again, slowly. "Okay, let's break it into small phrases so you can learn it..." 

_______________________________

"Hey Shepard, there you are!"

"Sorry, I got delayed. Did you order yet? I'm starving."

"Yeah, should be here soon.... bacon double cheeseburger for you and a steak sandwich for me... but we can switch if you prefer the steak. But I knew you like bacon. And plenty of fries."

Shepard reaches across the table to snag my bottle of lager, taking a long swallow before pushing the nearly empty bottle back toward me. "Hey, you'll need to order your own! I wasn't sure what you'd want tonight."

The way his eyes darken as he licks his lips tells me exactly what he'd _really_ like tonight... but that doesn't help with the drink order.

"Think I'll stick with Guinness. And I'm not going to steal your steak sandwich, Kaid. You probably had a rough afternoon. You deserve a treat."

"It went okay. Could have been a lot worse. Did you get my text about Lin's mother making it off the _Melbourne_ safely?"

"Yeah. Wasn't in a position where i could reply, but appreciated the news. Sounds like there weren't too many survivors."

"I guess she was pretty lucky, then. I had a long talk with LIn this afternoon. She said her mom helped save some injured crewmates."

"THat's great! Maybe she'll get a commendation or something. Dunno. Nice thing for Lin to hear about."

Yeah. She was proud of that. I'm so relieved that her mom is okay. Lin really misses her, though."

"Not surprised. It's probably Elizabeth's first deployment since Lin has been old enough to remember."

"Probably. Listen, I hope you don'd mind that I told her your mother is Alliance, too... serving on a starship. She'll probably have all sorts of questions for you when you run into her again."

Shepard laughs and takes a deep first draught of the Guinness. "I probably won't have many answers, but we can commiserate together. Hope you didn't mention my dad, though. That could be rough."

My turn for a long drink. "No, and pretty damn lucky she didn't ask."

"Yeah."

The food arrives, and we both dig in. That steak sandwich tastes amazing. Didn't realize how hungry I was, but then I remember that i'd skipped lunch. After Lin's practice session, I was going to eat something, but picked up my fiddle instead, and got lost in the music. Trying to sort out feelings, I guess... with very limited success. For the first time in my life, playing just for myself felt like it wasn't enough. I needed to share it. Maybe let the music say things I can't find words for. I dunno.

I finish the last bite of my sandwich before getting to what I really need to talk to John about. "Lin asked me some pretty hard questions. She wanted to know if I'll miss you when you're on deployment." 

Shepard quirks a smile. "And you said..."

"Of course, I'll miss you!" 

"See, that one wasn't hard. What else did she ask about? Hit me with it... I can hear you thinking even over the crunch of these fries."

"Yeah, well... Lin had been talking about her mom's ship encountering bad guys. She hesitated a long time before finally asking me if I would be scared... when you're out there.."

He puts down his burger, shaking his head. "Damn, Kaidan. That kid is too old for her years."

I nod and take a long swig of beer.

"Well... keep going. What did you tell her, Kaid?"

Slowly, deliberately, I move the bottle to the side of the table and reach across to take John's hand. His fingers curl around mine, thumb gently stroking across my palm. 

"Said I'd be worried about you, for sure." Lifting my head to see both concern and compassion in those blue eyes, I add the rest of the truth. "And that, yeah, I'll be scared."

He gives my hand a hard squeeze. "It's okay, Kaidan. Sometimes being afraid gives you the push you need to... I dunno. Call it courage, maybe. As long as it doesn't paralyze you, fear can be a good thing. Maybe keep you alive..."

I'm surprised at his reaction, a little. I guess nothing about Shepard should surprise me anymore. He's the most complicated man I've ever known. "Is that from personal experience? Or something they teach in training?"

"Both. It's what you do with the fear that matters."

"Yeah. I get that. I'm still thinking about what to do with it. Hadn't really recognized the fear as what it is. Hadn't given it a name, you know? I guess I'l Just need to process things a little more..."

I pick up one of the two fries left on my plate, chewing it slowly and wondering if I've said too much, or too soon. I don't want to make him feel guilty for looking forward to doing what he's dreamed all his life of doing. Not on my account. 

Releasing my hand, John finally reaches for that last french fry, dragging it slowly through the remaining ketchup, which is there for his benefit, since i don't really care for it on fries. 

He wipes his fingers on a napkin, and takes my hand again. "Kaidan..." He doesn't continue until I meet his eyes. When he does speak, his voice is the low, gentle one that I've only heard him use in more intimate moments. "Kaid... never doubt this – I'm going to miss you, too. A lot."

Not trusting myself to speak right now, I just nod and squeeze his hand. I'm surprised at how strongly I reacted to his simple words – just hearing him say that he'll miss me. 

It makes me so happy.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Music of _Overture_ \- Chapter 14
> 
>  
> 
> [Brahms Lullaby (violin)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E4OpXal0H04&index=57&list=PLf4I0D9yEyObkvKuisuVCJ0pLF6nt86q0&t=0s)
> 
>  [Zelda's Lullaby ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qsODvCr5Uwk&index=58&list=PLf4I0D9yEyObkvKuisuVCJ0pLF6nt86q0&t=0s)
> 
>  [Rachmaninov – Vocalise Op 34 No 14](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0FpMjsBerY)
> 
>  [Holst – "Jupiter" (from The Planets)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKq8xsUr5dA)
> 
>  [Falling Slowly – from the movie "Once"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzQ9VrnNQLQ)


	15. Parallels

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A young musician draws the interest of a passing soldier... again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the weekend after the previous chapter, in mid-December.
> 
> At the family orchard in the Okanogan valley in central British Columbia, Michael Alenko has just returned from a trip into Vancouver. While he was there, he'd stopped by the apartment...
> 
> My thanks to [MaxRev](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaxRev/pseuds/MaxRev) for all the encouragement and suggestions.

 

_At the orchard_

 

The rich tones of Elena's cello fade as she puts her bow aside to greet me when I open the door to the farmhouse.

“Michael! You're back already? I thought you planned to stay over. How was Vancouver?”

“Good. Nice quick trip. I think I took care of everything you had on the list, and decided to come home. Too much traffic, too many people... big place. Guess i'm not very urban anymore. Just a fruit farmer."

"A fruit farmer who happens to be a pretty fine horn player on the side!" Elena smiles as she relieves me of some of the packages I'd brought in, freeing me to wrap her in a tight hug. 

In no hurry to break the embrace, she kisses me, murmuring, "It's more fun when we're there together. We should plan a weekend next month when neither of us has to work... take in a play, maybe."

"Sounds good to me. Although finding that mythical 'free weekend' might be hard in January, with both opera and symphony seasons in full swing. One or the other of us will always have to work." 

She nods, sighing. "You're right... but let's try. A dinner and theater date sounds nice... romantic."

Apparently, I'll never get too old for the way my heart just raced for a moment. With a glint and a promise in her warm brown eyes, Elena can still make me feel like a much younger man. That smile of hers...

She begins unpacking some of the bundles – some family Christmas presents, a new set of cello strings... a small package that I snatch from her hands before she can open it and spoil her own Christmas morning surprise. I expect some guessing games, so it's a good time to distract her. 

"I ran into Kaidan when I stopped by the flat. Hadn’t expected to see him on this trip. Figured he'd be out busking... lots of holiday shoppers out today.”

The distraction is successful. Package forgotten, I have her full attention. “Oh Michael, that sounds like a nice surprise. Was he working with his young student on her violin practice?”

“No, though I’d love to meet her. Kaidan smiles when he mentions her. Maybe he’s found the purpose in his life that he’s been searching for ever since he came home from Gagarin Station.”

“Maybe so. Lin sounds delightful. It seems like they’re good for each other. Working with her gives him someone to focus on besides himself, and another way to share his music. Busking on the streets of Vancouver sounds like it might be a thankless job once winter sets in.”

Accepting the steaming mug of coffee that she puts in my hands, I settle at the kitchen table and nod for her to join me.

“Elena, Kaidan wasn’t alone. He was with a young Alliance soldier… It looked like he'd been playing some music – his violin was on the coffee table. But the two of them were curled up on the couch together, and they both looked relaxed and happy. At least until Kaidan introduced me as his father – at which point his friend jumped up from the couch and looked like he thought he should salute or something. His name is John Shepard. Seems like a nice young man, spacer born and raised.” 

She takes some time, slowly stirring honey into her tea. “A soldier? I don’t remember Kaidan ever mentioning that he was seeing anyone. Not since that girl out at Jump Zero…” 

“Yeah. I think it took him awhile to get over her. He said he and John met while he was busking. Not sure how long he’ll be stationed in Vancouver - he’s doing some kind of training before his first deep space deployment.”

Elena slides a plate of honey apple cookies in my direction, shaking her head when I offer her one. “Mmm... these taste fresh.”

“Just baked this afternoon. If I'd known you would see Kaidan, I’d have sent him some. They're his favorite as well as yours, you know.”

I feel like she’s trying to deflect the conversation a bit. The idea that Kaidan may have found someone that he cares about… well, it might take a little processing. But being Elena, she doesn’t avoid the topic for long.

“Deep space deployment? That might be rough on Kaidan if John is important to him. It could feel like losing him... being left behind.“

“I was a soldier when we met, Elena. Did knowing that I would probably be deployed at some point keep you from getting involved?”

Reaching across the table to slip her hand into mine, she shakes her head. Her dark hair is unpinned, and the way it ripples with the little toss of her head reminds me so much of those days when we were young together in Singapore. Her voice is quiet, but firm. “No, of course not. I was in love with you.”

“Well, it’s just a guess, but I think that might be the case with Kaidan and John. There was a lot of silent communication going on between them, and Kaidan was being very protective, trying to put John at ease. Never easy to meet the parents, you know.”

She laughs, probably remembering my trepidation about meeting her mother. She'd told me that people in the family sometimes referred to her as the 'dragon lady', and I don't think she was entirely joking. “I hope you’re right, Michael. Kaidan might not have been looking to meet someone, but he wouldn’t be the first person in this family to make that connection through their music.”

The memory of a young cello girl with long black hair comes unbidden. I can almost hear the Vivaldi again, ringing out in the hot summer afternoon air, drawing me closer to listen. And linger. Squeezing her hand, I meet my wife’s eyes and murmur a reply. “No, he wouldn’t be. I hope it ends as well for him as it did for us.”

“I hope so, too. Our little one deserves someone to care about him. He has so much to offer..."

Changing her mind about the cookies, Elena nibbles on one as she sips her tea. Still processing, I think. She and Kaidan are much alike in that. But she breaks the silence with a smile and a single question.

"When do I get to meet John?”

 

__________________________________

 

_In Vancouver_

 

“Well, that was unexpected.”

I’m watching Kaidan as he paces across the living room of his parents’ Vancouver flat, going to the balcony door, hesitating a moment before stepping outside. I want to give him some space, but when he doesn’t come back in, I join him on the balcony. Elbows resting on the railing, he's looking out over English Bay. It's chilly, but the sunlight still glitters on the water. I wrap an arm around his shoulders, startling him a little. He must have been pretty far away.

“Hey, Kaidan, It’s okay. I don’t think your father was upset to see me here. Surprised, probably. I’m guessing you hadn’t told your folks about us yet.”

Kaidan shakes his head, and finally turns toward me, leaning in for a light kiss. “No, I’m sorry, John. I should have. It’s not that I don’t want them to know... There just hasn't been the right time, you know?”

“It's okay. For what it’s worth, I like your dad. If he was surprised, he covered it well. Seemed like he was trying to put me at ease. I was pretty nervous, I guess. New thing for me... meeting the parents.”

“Actually, I think he was probably glad to see me with someone. It’s been a long time… I think the last person I ever mentioned to them was Rahna. From back on Jump Zero... and that didn't end well.“

“He didn’t seem surprised to see you with a man… your folks know you’re bi?”

Kaidan slips an arm around my waist and pulls me against him. He’s warm and solid, much stronger than one might expect from watching the delicacy of his fingers as they fly over the fingerboard of his violin.

“Yeah, pretty sure they know, or at least guessed. I didn't date much when I was living at home. Before getting shipped off to Jump Zero, I was either playing music or fighting migraines. But I had some crushes - a girl in my string quartet, a boy at school. I didn't make any secret of it, but not something we ever really talked about."

He pauses, but seems like he wants to say more. After a long moment, he adds, "Dad has always told me he just wants me to be happy...”

I wait till he meets my eyes, a little concerned about the way his eyebrows are drawn together. I have to ask. "And are you?"

The question must have caught him by surprise. It takes a moment for him to figure out what I'm asking, but I breathe easier when he reaches out to touch my cheek and kiss me softly. "Yeah, I am. Very happy."

I hadn't realized I'd been holding my breath. "So we're good?"

Another, deeper kiss leaves no doubt about his answer. "We're good, John. More than good."

With his arm still around me, his gaze goes back toward the bay. “Maybe my dad didn’t really figure out that we were together. My violin was out on the coffee table – he might have thought I had another music student…”

I gently turn him to face me again. “Kaidan... I don't think he missed much. When he opened the door, we were pretty close together on the couch. And I saw him glance at the breakfast dishes still on the table.“ 

Kaidan ducks his head a bit, but not before I've seen the sudden color on his cheeks. "Yeah, there is that."

I smile and look down pointedly as I try to guide us back inside out of the cold. His biotic metabolism might be keeping him warm, but I'm getting chilly. “And in case you didn’t notice… we’re both still barefoot.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Music of _Overture_ – Chapter 15
> 
> [Vivaldi's Cello Four Seasons 'Winter' Op. 8 No. 4, RV 297](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ria9u7adYQQ)
> 
> [Vivaldi-Summer, Mvt, III](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w3_UY3WE7y0)
> 
> [Vivaldi - Cello Concerto E minor 3rd Movement](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pxohm35WW0I&list=PLf4I0D9yEyObkvKuisuVCJ0pLF6nt86q0&t=0s&index=84)
> 
> Michael's favorite piece of Elena's  
> [Saint-Saëns – The Swan](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qrKjywjo7Q)
> 
> Elena's favorite from Michael's repertoire  
> [Mozart – Horn Concerto Nr 3 KV.447 1. Allegro](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lNuJVfe-t3o)
> 
> And as a special treat:  
> [Recipe: Elena's Honey Apple Cookies](http://www.geniuskitchen.com/recipe/honey-apple-cookies-437880)


	16. Where Words Fail

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In Shepard's absence, Kaidan finds a sympathetic listener at the orchard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place at the Alenko family orchard in the BC interior, a few days after Shepard left on a short training mission. It is Elena's voice. 
> 
> This chapter is for [bagog](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bagog/pseuds/bagog), with my deepest thanks. He suggested the music by Dvorak that is key to this - when i first heard it, I knew immediately that it was the right piece.
> 
> There will be a parallel story in the [Grace Notes](https://archiveofourown.org/series/990384) series told from Kaidan's perspective.

 

_Where words fail, music speaks. -Hans Christian Anderson_

 

"Mom?"

I didn't hear the door opening. I've been practicing, trying to get ready for the upcoming symphony season, and must have been lost in the music.

"Hey, there you are!"

"Kaidan? I wasn't expecting you - is everything okay?"

Moments after setting the cello aside, I'm wrapped in a bear hug from my son. I always feel tiny next to him these days. In my mind, I sometimes still see him as a little boy that I could envelope in that kind of a hug.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just thought I'd like to spend a few days here... if you don't mind? Not great busking weather in town this week..."

There's something he's not saying. I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times Kaidan has come to the orchard - other than holidays - since he moved to Vancouver after coming back from Gagarin Station. 

"I'm not surprised about the busking. Playing outside on these cold windy days... " I shiver just thinking about it, putting my hands into the pockets of my fleece jacket. Kaidan has always felt the cold less than me - he says it's the biotics. I always assumed it was because he grew up here in Canada, rather than in the warm climates where I lived. This weather just feels normal for him. So if _he_ thought the weather was unpleasant, it must have been pretty grim.

He stuffs his toque into a pocket before shrugging off his wool overcoat, draping it over the back of the sofa. That makes me laugh - he's just like his father when it comes to never hanging up a coat. I head for the kitchen, Kaidan following. I'm sure he'll probably appreciate a hot cup of coffee after the long drive. 

Settled at the table with a plate of apple cookies, he busies himself with loading the coffee with sugar. He isn't offering any more information, and I'm hesitant to ask. I don't want him to face an inquisition when he decides to visit. But there's something I have to know.

"How is John? And _when_ do i get to meet him?"

That brings a smile. One that lights up his face... a clear and silent answer to my first question. "He's good. Actually... he's out on a training mission. Left two days ago, kind of unexpectedly. He thinks he'll be back before Christmas, though."

That could explain why he's here. "We have something in common then. Your father is off doing his Alliance Reserve training. It's twice a year, you know. So I guess we can keep each other company."

"Sounds like a plan." He looks down and takes a tentative sip of the coffee before adding another spoonful of sugar. "I invited John to spend the holidays with us here. I hope you don't mind? He's never even seen snow, Mom! He grew up on ships and stations - so I'm hoping for a white Christmas."

Well, that's an answer to my other question. "Mind? Of course not! He's very welcome! I'm glad he'll be back from training before then. Ever since Michael told me about meeting John in Vancouver, I've been wanting to get to know him, too." 

Kaidan huffs a small laugh. "You've probably pestered Dad for all the details."

"A mother needs to know these things, little one! But I really only have one question that matters. Michael mentioned seeing your violin nearby - I hope that means John likes music."

"Yeah, he does. We met after he stopped to listen while I was busking... and came back a couple of times."

"Does he play an instrument himself?"

"No, I don't think he had much chance for that, growing up as a spacer. But he sings some... and his father did as well, I guess. We've spent some time hanging out at Mahony's. It's an Irish pub where they sometimes have live music. He sang a song there one night." 

I thought I knew Vancouver pretty well, but that's not a pub I'm familiar with. "That sounds fun. Have you played there?"

Kaidan shakes his head, swallowing a bite of cookie before replying. "No, I'd never been there. John knew of it... his father was Irish. He keeps wanting me to sit in on a seisún sometime, or play something during open mic night, but I've avoided it so far."

"Why avoided? I'm sure you'd play beautifully! And I know you play some Irish music." He ducks his head, focusing too hard on a cookie. "What's keeping you from playing there?"

The answer is slow in coming. "I dunno, Mom. I think I probably sound too... not sure how to put it... too _classical_ maybe? Not traditional enough?"

"Really, Kaidan?"

After another long sip of coffee, his voice is quiet. "I don't want to embarrass myself in from of John. I'd rather just enjoy the place with him - the food, the beer, the music... the company. Without having to perform, you know? Without having to impress other people."

"But you play for people on the street corner every day. How is it different?" I've practiced outdoors in public places, but never actually busked, so I'm genuinely curious.

"Those people on the street don't have to stop and listen. And if they do listen, they don't have to like it. You know, they can just keep walking, find another street performer, maybe. I'm playing there for _me_."

I'm not really buying it... the explanation seems to be skirting some other reason. Kaidan loves playing... I'd have thought he'd be wanting to join in with other musicians given any opportunity. The whistle of the teakettle interrupts my train of thought, so i get up and make myself a cup of tea. But I'm still curious. "I get that, little one... I used to practice in the park in Singapore sometimes, just for myself." I know he's heard the story of how Michael and I met when i was doing just that. "But you do play for John?"

There is that shy smile again. "Oh yeah, I do. I've played things for him that i've never shared with anyone. And the thing is, he gets it - seems to hear what I'm saying with the music."

"And you like that feeling."

"Yeah. It means a lot to me..." His voice drops almost to a whisper. "Means everything..."

I reach across the table and rest my hand on his larger one, squeezing a little. "Kaidan, I get it. Believe me when I say that I know that feeling. And yes, it's like nothing else."

We talk a bit about the orchard and the holidays, but after he finishes his coffee and several cookies, I catch him trying to stifle a yawn. "Sorry, Mom. It's not you. I didn't sleep much last night, and the drive over here felt long. Maybe i'll grab a nap before dinnertime."

"Of course. I'm sure there are some steaks in the freezer for whenever you wake up hungry."

Shouldering his duffle and picking up his violin case, he heads for the stairs. When he reaches the landing, I call up to him, just a reminder. "You know you can play any time - it won't disturb me."

"Thanks, Mom. I appreciate it. My sleep schedule is a little erratic."

 

____________________________________

 

Kaidan has been awake early the past two mornings, playing at dawn. I guess he meant it when he said he's not sleeping well. I heard music coming from his room far into the night. I think he was using a practice mute. I should tell him not to bother with it. When I'm tired I can sleep though anything. But to be honest, I stayed awake to listen to him.

HIs choices of music are interesting... really eclectic, which doesn't surprise me. He never wanted to confine himself to standard violin repertoire, and he's definitely added a lot of Irish music. But what makes me stop whatever I'm doing and really listen is the one piece he always seems to go back to... the Dvorak _Romance for piano and violin_. My first thought was that he was learning it, but he's note-perfect. And expressive as hell - it's an emotional piece, full of reaching, yearning, a joy overlaid with an undeniable sadness. 

And, as he's playing it, it's sadly incomplete. The piano is such an important part of it... 

 

____________________________________

 

After lunch today, Kaidan went out for a long walk through the orchard. I didn't offer to go with him, figuring he probably wanted to be alone for a bit. As a young teenager, he always seemed to find the orchard to be a retreat, a place to get away from everything he was trying to deal with. There was so much, including the usual adolescent pressures – school, friends, sexuality... But he was also coping with migraines, endless rounds of doctor visits, the increasing manifestation of his biotics... and probably his protective parents. If his time alone in the orchard helped him deal with it all, it's no surprise that he'd return there to try to work through his feelings now. 

The weather today is clear, but cold. I was glad to see he did put on a coat... and i remember him putting his toque in a pocket. He left his violin in the music room. Probably too cold to play outside in the orchard today. Indeed, when he does come back to the house, his breath floats in the air as he crosses the large porch to the side door.

He finds me with my cello again. I guess it's as much my companion in solitude as his violin is to him. Today I'm not practicing for anything - just playing things I love. Shedding layers and tossing them on the couch, Kaidan lingers by the piano keyboard, taking in the music open on the stand. 

"The Dvorak?" He sounds surprised. "Is that on the symphony program this year?"

Putting the cello aside, I shake my head and move to the piano bench. "No. But I love it, and I've heard you playing it. I wondered if you might like an accompanist..."

He sinks onto the bench next to me, his fingers flexing in an imaginary passage. "Yeah. I can't get it out of my head right now."

I slide an arm around his back, hugging him. "I don't pretend to be a pianist, but I accompany my students sometimes. I can manage it. Want to try it together?"

He surprises me by leaning into the hug for a long silent moment before lifting his head and searching my eyes. "You'd do that? I know you have plenty of music to prepare... that new concerto sounds devilishly hard..."

I interrupt him before he talks himself out of the whole idea. "The concerto can wait. How often do I get to play a duet with my son these days? I'd be honored. There was so much expression in what i was hearing from you in that piece - we both deserve to hear it the way it was meant to sound."

He's quiet for a moment, brushing his fingertips across his eyes under the pretense of pushing back a lock of hair that has fallen across his forehead. "Not just us. I want John to hear it, too. It's for him, you know." He pauses, chewing on his lip... still hesitant about something. "I dunno... I hate to ask, but sometime, maybe after we've worked through it together... Could I record it on my omni-tool to share with him?"

That's not something I'd thought of, but how could anyone resist the hope in his eyes? John must mean so much to him. "You know, I'm not very good, right? I'll probably make some mistakes... You might be better off with a pre-recorded piano track by someone who plays this..."

"No! I don't like using those. Whoever the pianist, however good they are, they're not playing the music _with_ me. It's a duet, Mom... not karaoke, you know?"

His vehemence somehow doesn't surprise me. Clearly this music is engraved on his heart and he wants a recording of the feelings that come out during a live performance. I can't blame him, really. I'm not crazy about those recorded tracks either, beyond maybe using them to help learn a piece. "Okay... let's try it a few times and see how we sound together."

A smile that I haven't seen often on this visit lights up his whole face, and he wraps me in both arms for another hug. "Mom... thanks. You're the best. Give me a few minutes to tune and warm up, okay?"

"Okay, little one. I'm going to make a cup of tea and will be back in a bit."

As I slip from the room, he's already reaching for his violin and starting to tune up.

__________________________________

"We sound pretty good together, Mom! Not bad for a first try."

Quite the understatement. " _You_ sound more than pretty good, little one. And you make me sound better than I thought I would."

"I just like hearing it complete, you know?" He puts down his violin for the moment and shakes his head. "Leave it to me to fall head over heels for a violin duet... all the solo music out there... but no, I had to make life complicated."

Moving from the piano bench to my favorite chair by the fireplace, I watch Kaidan revive the fire that had died to embers while we were working on the music. "Life _is_ complicated. I'm sure you're not just finding that out, but maybe you've been reminded of it recently."

Finally satisfied with the fire, he closes the screen and settles himself on the floor in front of the hearth, propped against a big pillow, long legs stretched out in front of him.

"Yeah. Could be..."

It seems like he's going to say more, but after a few minutes of just watching the fire in silence, he returns to his thoughts about the music. 

"You know, sometimes a piece just speaks to me... relates so clearly to an event, or a person. Ran into a lot of that when i got back from Jump Zero... kind of helped me process some of it. If that makes any sense."

I hadn't realized that he'd made such a direct connection between music and events, but in retrospect, It makes sense. He never talked much about his time out there, beyond the stark facts of what had happened. Michael and I had worried because he _didn't_ talk about it. He had refused the offer of a therapist as well. I guess he was working it out through the music. I'm not quite sure why he's telling me this now, but I'm sure there's a reason.

"When John started showing up to listen to me busking, I found myself trying to figure out what he'd like to hear. Then it became trying to find music that reflected how I was feeling. That was hard..."

"You play for him often?"

"Yeah. He's always asking me to play something. I even played some of the 'Jump Zero' music for him... but didn't really talk about why I chose it. It was before he knew about my history."

That Kaidan had shared something so personal with John speaks volumes. "And you've been trying to find a piece that expresses how you feel about your relationship... how you feel about _him_..."

"Yeah. So much of the repertoire seems too... I don't know. Too sentimental, maybe? Too much sweetness and light. Or it's totally angst."

"I hear you... and the Dvorak isn't that. It's pretty emotional, but the emotions are more complicated."

He nods, his fingers moving again though a passage on an imaginary fingerboard. "It's us... together."

"I understand why you want to share it with him. When you suggested it, I was worried about whether we could get a good recording. But I think we can. Maybe spend another session playing through it tomorrow... be sure we're on the same page with tempo changes and such." A thought occurs to me. "But i don't know how long you planned to stay here... are you in a hurry to get back to town?"

He draws his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them, and shakes his head. "No rush. John didn't know how long he'd be gone, but probably at least a week, I'm thinking. We have time to get it right. Maybe even have time to play some violin/cello duets for fun, too. I remember we used to do that sometimes."

"I'd enjoy that, too. I have a 21st century piece that I think you'd like... you might relate to it. We could try it out tomorrow." 

He smiles, clearly intrigued by the thought of a new piece. "Let me take a look at it tonight, okay? That way I won't be going into it cold."

The last colors of the early sunset have faded into darkness outside, but neither of us is in any rush to turn on more lights. The flicker of the firelight casts a changing pattern of glow and shadow across Kaidan's face, and I'm suddenly a little overwhelmed by how much I love this beautiful son of mine. I've never seen him in love with anyone before... and can only hope John Shepard feels the same. And I know it's going to be hell on Kaidan when John leaves on deployment.

_____________________________

 

After two more practice sessions, we finally decide to do the recording. I've recorded some of my students in the past, but don't really have much of a set-up for it beyond a couple of mics. 

"Don't worry about it, Mom. I've recorded myself on the omni-tool sometimes. It's not professional quality, but it's not half bad. We'll be good."

I know this is important to him, but don't want to make him nervous with my fretting about the mechanics. What he wants to capture is the emotion of the performance. I try to lighten the mood a little. "So, one take, little one? We keep going regardless, unless something goes completely sideways... like you break a string or something."

He laughs, visibly relaxing. "Yeah. I like that. Let's see how it goes."

_____________________________

 

Kaidan's bow lingers on the string as the last trill and the final phrase float into silence. His eyes are closed as he gently lifts it from the string and lets his arm fall back to his side. 

"So beautiful..." It came straight from his heart. For someone who doesn't play with other people often, he is a really sympathetic duet partner. I tended to follow his lead on phrasing and such, but he's a good listener and it felt like there was real communication between us as we were playing. I found myself getting so caught up in it...

"Yeah."

There was one thing, though... as the violin line soared in one last yearning reach near the end of the piece, and I glanced over at him... I have to ask.

"Kaidan... does that happen often?"

He's not meeting my eyes, but I can tell he knows what I'm talking about. The blue glow...

"No... not a lot." 

"But you've seen it before?"

He sighs, nodding. "Yeah."

I reach over to rest a hand on his arm... he's trembling a little, as the glow fades. "Little one, it's okay. I was surprised, yes... but we kept going. I think it was a pretty amazing performance."

"Yeah... I felt like I was pouring everything into it."

"Maybe that was the trigger? The strong emotional connection?"

"Probably. My biotics can flare in situations like that, if I let myself lose control. I wasn't thinking about controlling it here, I guess." His gaze is fixed somewhere very far away as he continues. "First time it happened, I was playing for John... the _Presto in Moto_. I associate that with Jump Zero, you know? Playing alone after that, I've tried to get it to happen, but it's not really predictable."

He's calming down, consciously working on his breathing. 

"You said it happened when you were playing for John? How did he react?"

I'm so relieved to see a smile. "We're good. He was curious, and I had to explain... but it didn't scare him or make him think of me as some kind of freak. I think I realized then that we'd be okay... that it was safe to feel the way I was starting to feel about him."

He takes another deep breath and reaches out to squeeze my hand. 

"You love him very much."

"Yeah, I do. He's everything."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The music of Overture – Chapter 16
> 
> [Irish trad - The Coolin](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYoJcKHcmdw)
> 
>  
> 
> [Dvorak - Romance for piano and violin, Op. 11](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZTeavJ9frA)
> 
>  
> 
> [Barber - Violin Concerto, Op. 14: III. Presto in moto](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o4wSifmQT_E)
> 
>  
> 
> [J. Massenet - Meditation](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4JLWSdRvGwY)
> 
>  
> 
> [Mark O'Connor - Poem for Carlita](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fhb5jdZ0uTQ)


End file.
